my life

NEW BLOG

2012-01-23T01:59:00.001-05:00

i'm testing this out and for the moment, i'm moving my blog here:

http://angkukueh.tumblr.com/

check it out! ;)

day three - lazy day

2011-12-19T20:20:00.002-05:00

today i woke up at 9.30 am and chilled in the living room watching the news. went online and found out that kim jong il died. and also discovered a cute little tumblr.

then i went back to bed. woke up at 2.30 because my momma said that she was picking me up at 3.30.

i also tried on the socks cherie gave me for secret santa:

and made dinosaur nuggets and tea!

sunday - christmas break day 2

2011-12-19T19:49:00.002-05:00

i woke up at 9.40 am and brushed my teeth. marie asked me if i wanted eggs with anything else. i was like whatever you want to make. so she made me eggs with toast and a bowl of blueberries.

10.00 - decided that we had to fly to the mega bus stop outside of royal tyler theatre by leaving at 10.20. cherie and i engulfed our eggs and packed the car with church goodies (cookies & 20somethinglunch) and our bags!

off at the bus stop, marie gave each of us a christmas gift! a hug good bye, we wished her merry christmas. on the bus we sat with kiki and sanyeong. cherie and i watched flower boy ramen shop! and then we all fell asleep. and woke up in BOSTON!

cookie fest!

2011-12-19T18:59:00.008-05:00

Hello!! Saturday was my first day of break. I woke up late at 8.44AM for Staff Breakfast and Mia told me that everyone was waiting to eat. Sorry!!! I feel so bad for that. I even had two alarms set for 7AM. why didn't i wake up?? >.< After eating breakfast we all checked our assigned floors. this time was better (waited for only 10 min after they're supposed to check out) than thanksgiving break's when we waited for like an hour after the late stayers were supposed to check out. after all the residents were our of MAT, it was time for me to pack!! and then marie came to pick up cherie and i. We made turkey sandwiches at her house and spent the rest of the day making cookies!!!

the cookie cutters!

the baking materials!

green dough! (with almonds :D)

marie teaching us how to roll dough

let's do this!!!!

Last Day

2011-12-07T16:25:00.003-05:00

Today is the last day of classes!! This week has been quite wonderful, in the sense that I have been going to all my classes and not feeling a bit sleepy in any of them! WONDERFUL! (:

I'm also going to stop moping about an old friend here. No more. This is the last day. I made him a christmas card today. In his favourite colour. I hope that he enjoys reading as much as I enjoyed making it. I don't want to expect anything from it though. or else, i'll just end up super sad.

Yep, made a card instead of doing my assignments.

Today might be the last day of the semester that i go to pub quiz too! SensASIANS! and Good-eye-might! and other cool names that we've had. WE GOT TO WIN THIS ONE!

NBR tonight and free food. let the frenzy begin!

cheerio!

a sad heart

2011-12-04T23:49:00.002-05:00

If I can't forget you, are you meant to forget me?

talking to the moon

2011-10-17T03:06:00.002-04:00

happy birthday

but you should listen to something more upbeat (even though idk if you ever liked katy perry.. probs not)

the imaginary monologue that i'll probably never have with...

2011-09-22T03:49:00.006-04:00

to whom this concerns,

i understand your actions. but no matter what it still hurts. so much that i want to forget you. especially because you don't talk anymore. what's the point in keeping you in my heart, in anyway, even as a brother in christ? no. it hurts too much. but i don't know how to forget you. i can't just forget things. i can only keep trying. because i understand your reasons for why all this has happened, if you were to be interested in someone else in the near future (like within 2 years), i would feel very betrayed. but i don't know if you're aware of that, because we no longer speak to each other.

what makes a good leader?

2011-09-22T03:00:00.003-04:00

i always hate being ask this question during "training" events, like for the RA training and the alana orgs training. cuz it's such a repeated qns and there are so many things that make up a good leader. from balancing time, planning well to building relations. the thing that i'm struggling with wanting to be that good leader is on the relations aspect. because i realize that i can be picky with what kinds are personalities i enjoy spending time with, but as a leader, as an RA, as a member of AASU's eboard, i want to sincerely welcome the people i network with.

i finally realize what it means when people express themselves differently around different groups of friends, like you have your close friends, school friends, colleagues and so on. because the earliest reflection that i have on this thought was from youth group, my junior/senior year of high school. we talked about how we treat different groups of friends differently, cuz we relate to them in different manners and have different levels of bonding. but i didn't really get it because i treated my church friends in the same way i treated my school friends and i didnt have a job to think about how i related to colleagues.

even after getting my first job in the lab, i didn't think about my relations with people in terms of bonding levels. but now as an RA i do. because now i'm surrounded by all sorts of people and i have a duty to build a community where ever i am. and at aasu, i have the responsibility too. i've met all sorts of personalities and at times i've felt like, "if it weren't for being an RA, i don't think that i would ever spend time with this person." i know that it's a very closed mindset, but at the same time some personalities just brush you the wrong way. it's like a tug of war between my ethics and desires. perhaps i'm just being lazy in putting effort to make a friendships with the personalities i'm not used to. but it feels so hard. like writing a paper.

which reminds me. i need to write to my little cousins!

but the thing that i find unethical about my thoughts is that i sometimes feel obliged to be friends with people i would only keep as maybe aquaintances, and when i make friends, i want to be sincere about it. and obligations aren't always sincere. it also seems wrong to not give someone the chance to be friends, but what if you just can't talk to that person at all? well i haven't felt this way, but i'm just imagining myself being put in this situation.

like how do you make someone feel welcome at an event when you don't welcome them in your hearts. oh well, maybe i have been put in this situation. cuz right after bad break ups with someone, you don't want to see them, but you see them around anyway. you don't want to be rude and act cordial when you really don't want to. (yeah, i am talking about myself)

anyway, i have to study for my exam in 11 hours! >.<

aja aja fighting!

Thirsty - Day 1

2011-09-06T00:32:00.004-04:00

"O Lord Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O Lord, and your faithfulness surrounds you."

Pslam89:8

"If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself."

Timothy 2:13

I really like the second verse. It reminds me how we are God's people, his children and how great his love for us is. We are made in his image. What would it be like for God to stop loving us? I can't imagine. I don't even believe that it's possible! but at the same time, I can see why some believe that it can be. it all boils down to faith. once you have it, even as tiny as a mustard seed, it can grow very fast, faster than the spreading of gossip! with faith you receive confidence. when I have faith in myself, i become confident in my goals and acheivements. i can do all that i believe in. When I put faith in God, I receive more confidence and believe that all my dreams and aspirations will come true!

What's even more amazing than my own faith is God's faith. it's very assuring and powerful to know that no matter what, even when i unconsciously put things before him, he still has faith. and he puts himself infront of me to remind me why he's number one in life.

In the last few weeks God has blessed me with a very good and loving staff of MAT. i'm very thankful for the support of my RD Jess and ARD Mathew. We're like a little family! well not little, but it's so great to see everyone bonding. (: and i love our staff meetings. always end up with laughter.

God also reminds me of his love when i reflect about a lost friendship, which i was greatly saddened again yesterday, just cuz it came into my mind and stayed. according to my lost friend it is not a lost friendship, but i'm losing faith that we will be friends again. can i ever see him as just a friend and instead of having the desire to be more than that? i don't exactly want to, but i have to, because it's what he wants. or he believes that it is what God wants and so I believe it too, despite my desire. the part that upsets me is how he can choose to change his love for me, because it doesn't feel like it will be for a stronger love, but a weaker love. i am assured knowing that God's love is never changing, which is why i cannot imagine living without God and i can't stop believing.

aja aja fighting!

the love of my life

2011-09-05T02:05:00.003-04:00

it seems like one of the most successful formulas of eternal love is when a guy meets a girl and knows, like love at first sight, i'm going to marry this girl. Example, patrick dempsey, as he answered a question about the love his life in an interview. i met a boy. my first impression of him was that he was pretty cute. but i guess it wasn't like at the very first sight i thought he is the one, but after comparing him to other guys i've gotten to know, he's become the best guy. So is this formula true for a girl's instincts about a guy? but then every now and then i doubt my instincts.

also, i'm going to start my Thirst devotionals soon. tomorrow! i shall work hard and play hard, meet hard with my staff and devote hard! :D

aja aja hwaiting!

Training: Day Two

2011-08-15T21:31:00.002-04:00

I woke up pretty late today. 7.20. yeah and jumped into the shower, but i wasn't ready until 8.20, when jessica, my RD, came knocking on the door. "you're twenty minutes late." oh what a bad impression... it's ok. i'll make up for it with my awesome bulletins!

i only meant to miss a bit of breakfast. tomorrow i will know better and be at the lounge at 7.55! :D

Today's sessions:

Programming 101

RA Expectations

Ethical

Complex Duty Expectations

Intro to Retnet

Terms and conditions

Tomorrow's sessions:

Codes of Conduct

Policies and Procedures

Understanding our differences (diversity session)

I need ideas for door decs and bulletin boards...

aja aja fighting!!

back to school

2011-08-14T13:15:00.003-04:00

Yesterday at 10.40 AM i officially landed in burlington, vt! and i'm about to embark on a journey of being an RA. Training starts in about hald an hour. (:

i got up this morning at nine to go to church. it was really good to see everyone, marie, monica, shaun, emily, brent, martha and many more! the service was very touching. "it's not about you, but what God is doing for you."

a video was presented with man asking God to chisel him into the original masterpiece that God said he made each of us into. So God starts chiseling away, but stops when the man has something to say back. "chisel talk chisel talk.. control chisel control chisel."

"you're not junk. you're my masterpiece." I could see some tears in not just my own eyes but other people. because part of my does feel like junk. like extra baggage i'm carrying. and it's appeasing knowing that you're not the only one.

before i left daybreak, i picked up a devotional book at their books table. i contemplated for awhile, because i didn't know if that was the only copy. my decision - go through the devotionals and the reflective writing sections, i shall post them here!

till next time. aja aja fighting!

SUMMER!!!

2011-05-17T15:01:00.003-04:00

bonjour mes amis! je suis libre!!! au jourd'hui est le quatrieme jour de ma vacances d'ete!! hier j'ai fait du poulet pour le premier fois depuis j'etais alle au college! il etait bien. je l'ai fait avec du teriyaki sauce et ginger. hehe je ne sais pas comment le dire au francais.

j'ai un ami. un ami du stylo. un bon ami. nous parlons et parlons tous les jours! (:

je veux louer un bicyclette...

Summer Plans

2011-04-23T22:33:00.004-04:00

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

today i slept in till one in the afternoon! and got up cuz i felt like it was time to get some work done! but... i failed. once i got up and sat infront of the computer, i longer felt like it was the time to work, but i knew it was time to get down to business! sadly my heart did not listen to my mind.

before i knew it, evening came and i met up with marie and cherie to go to Essex Alliance Church's annual Easter service at the gymnasium. there were so many people and huge choir! well that was all expected, because it was my second time. still, it's A LOT of people! i don't know if i would ever feel connected to such a large church...

This summer, i'm not doing anything super serious. Depending on the apartment that my mom will have when i go back to maine, i plan to work on the following projects:

1. Animated shorts

2. Cooking

3. Leisurely reading

Going to bed. Good night!

distracted from my #1 priority to complete my lab report

2011-04-16T02:25:00.002-04:00

my mom recently called me and told me that i should never give up my hope of being a doctor because of feelings of incompetence. but i don't think she knows that's the reason why i've been thinking about alternatives to medschool. that exact reason. i feel incompetent of becoming a doctor. i feel incompetent of being a scientist. but i enjoy pondering about the wonders of life and it's not just that general awe and wonder of the creation of the world and how it functions, but also how on a micro level, how receptors work. what are the purposes of different genes? - i'm actually excited for bcor 101 genetics, next semester cuz someone told me that the discussion lab section is to do presentations on such. i hope it's going to be as awesome as it sounds!

and there are so many dreams i wish to acheive in this lifetime, but i often feel incompetent. i then realized that any source of my incompetence is laziness. too lazy to put in effort to discover, with the process. too lazy to read articles related to this lab i'm working on and so i remain intimidated of this assignment.

laziness is a terrible sin. but passion will eliminate laziness. ;)

i should return to my lab report. GOOD NIGHT!

college crisis!

2011-04-09T21:33:00.003-04:00

AHH! i don't know what to do post college. lately i've been thinking about going into film and ANIMATION and creating short films inspired by true stories. should i? i have no idea. shall i completely change off a science track and go into the arts??? i don't know. am i wasting my time with neuroscience? NO, i'm not. but it's like i'm throwing my gpa away. i don't want to care about my gpa anymore. it doesn't make me happy thinking about it all the time. never makes anyone happy i think.

i want to do something, something BIG, but i get scared. if i'm ab

le to get over it, i'm meant to do something... i want to create stories. should i go into journalism? sociology?

today was beautiful! i went downtown to the lake with natali

e to feed ducks! and we ended up feeding a ton of seagulls... -.- but we also managed to find a couple ducks!

BEST WEEKEND EVER

2011-03-27T17:03:00.005-04:00

bonjour! it's been so long!! and so much has happened! this weekend has been one of many firsts:

1. First time in college that i feel like the weekend hasn't been too short

2. First time seeing an acapella performance -TOP CATS

3. First time painting on a canvas

4. First time eating food from Tiny Thai - a new and raved about restaurant

5. First time SNOWBOARDING!!! :D

and tonight i will be making fried rice!

this has been a great weekend. the past week consisted of staying up to 5 am three times! twice for work and once because i could not fall asleep.. >.<

but i did get an epiphany of post college life. i really want to travel the world. right now my major is neuroscience, with hopes of going to med school. the plan was to do a postbac after graduation and then med school, and years later from now, become a doctor and travel with doctors beyond borders.

but what if med school isn't where God wants me to be? does he want me to be a doctor. i have no idea. the only reasons i can think of why i want to be a doctor is because i want to learn about how my body functions and the potential of money... these reasons aren't good enough.

alternative plan - graduate with a degree in neuroscience (because i still want to learn about the brain) with a minor in film studies. go into documentary filming. i can start by traveling across the country addressing an issue, like immigration. or just film people's story and talk with people. I can share God's word. and give hope. Then go to other countries and do the same.

I just want to meet amazing people and eat fantastic food all life long. and get into botany when i'm 40.

spring break (3 weeks ago) was FANTASTIQUE! i went to new orleansssss! for KRUP - katrina relief urban plunge.

1. I have grown closer to God and talk with him more often

2. Got to meet amazing people from different schools in conneticuit and massachusetts!

3. Bonded with Champlain College students

4. I have a pen pal!

Things have been getting better. I've found ways to distract myself and slowly it fades away.

there are two birds on a wire and i do not want to be the liar. (regina spektor, two birds)

cheerio!

2011-02-13T04:12:00.004-05:00

writing... I haven't written personal reflections in a long time and the RA class I'm taking atm is resparking that interest into me. we have to write weekly reflections for a identity exercise. I broke with my boyfriend of 4 months and it was very painful. We met last year, but our story is not what i wanted to talk about...

Memory. It's hard to forget our memories. every night before going to bed, I would miss his company. Then God will come to me and I feel some guilt, because in truth, God has always loved me even though I took my heart away from him for awhile. No matter what he'll always be there, to be my hero - like enrique to his loyal fans.. :P

we were close and bonded quick. somehow I just never was able to accept him for who he was. I still loved him, but I guess not deep enough. I put a lot into it in the beginning but I guess I grew tired in the end.. and eventually we were both tired of providing for each other..

not what i was expecting to blog about but oh well..

i want to talk about memory. and it's power. i look back at mine and i keep thinking about him. i look forward and i feel stress from all the work piling up cuz i keep looking back. Look forward and i will forget him, except for the eventually desire to miss him. No... i do not want to entertain such thoughts... i can't. move on. must move on.

but memory is a powerful thing. i'm recalling all the procedures i did for my neuroscience lab atm cuz i'm pushing through a lab report i've totally been procrastinating, due to fear. what do i fear of it? i don't know... incomplete work? hah. tackle by doing it. ;)

au revoir!

same person, refreshed

2011-01-02T04:04:00.005-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

on new year's eve i ate the most expensive dinner of my life. i can't wait to put up pictures of the food! taken in a dimly lit open air room. with nice ambience music and the perfect view of a fireworks show.

reflections..

i've gotten to know a lot of amazing people and i've grown closer to my friends cherie and natalie.

i' ve been reunited with my extended family and thank you God for all my relationships.

resolutions...

see more before assuming

and FOCUS.

clueless

2010-12-29T12:27:00.002-05:00

things just keep getting worse in terms of what i can do with the camera that has been entrusted to me.. i have misplaced the charger -.-

i hope the battery doesn't die before friday afternoon cuz i wanna take pictures of my mother's close friends when i have lunch with them on new years eve!

tuesday i went shopping with my aunt for like 8 hours. we spent at least 10 hours walking the whole day! she spent so much money on me... getting me new clothes, a new pair of tennis shoes and we even went to an expensive italian restaurant. i feel so... hmm... i don't know how to thank her leh... -.-

but i am definetely all set for jeans for the next 8 years.

after shopping we met fufu at york hotel, which was holding the penang hawker food fair! oh man. SO DELICIOUS! and i was so full! i'm going to come back from singapore all round!

today my other aunt, yiyi, held a bbq. she ordered 15o sticks of satay! and we had not more than 10 people. my fufu is an excellent griller and made delicious chicken wings (virgin massaged by sean), rib-eye steaks and oh my, marshmellows too!!! crispy skin with a melting center. mmm...

people keep giving me things here - i don't know how to say thank you...

i hope to be able to post pictures next week or something. and i really hope to be able to find the camera charger. (sorry jeffrey!!)

my fufu and his wife are like a forever young couple, because they haven't changed a bit from when i last saw them six years ago.

it's 2 am here and at this point i'm rambling random thoughts.

ok. good night!

week one

2010-12-27T10:52:00.002-05:00

singapore time: tuesday morning - woke up at 10 plus and my aunt was surprised, why do you wake up so early?? in the afternoon i went to ICA to apply for a new passport and i got my singapore ic! finally! it looks just like my mother's! :D

then i went out with my cousin to buy a mouth piece for the borrowed sax which i was going to play at a christmas church service. after we picked up my aunt and her husband from work and off to crystal jade for dinner! i had handmade la mein and xiaolong baos!

wednesday - chilled with my younger cousins, sean and kalea. went swimming, played some pool, ate some roti prata. i've taken a lot of photos! but i need some way to upload them. they'll be up at some point :P

thursday - went to visit my grandma, my popo. then my aunt brought my cousins and i to vivo city. she did some necessary shopping that i had been unable to do while i was at school! :D

after we went to orchard road to look at the christmas decorations! - photos still to come!

friday - shopped a little more at century square and practiced for the christmas service.

saturday - woke up at 6 in the morning from only 4 hours of sleep! went off to wesley and met my cousin joyce. played in the band for two services. the latter felt like deja vu. i fell asleep for both sermons. -.-

after service i went back to yiyi's place and her mother in law and brother in law came over from malaysia cuz he has a chess competition in singapore!

sunday - post christmas sale searching with my yi yi.. but failed. so... we went swimming after. and i can't remember what else. oh yeah, yi yi made glutinous rice with dried shrimp and mushroom! it was good. and she bought some ba qwa. :D

monday - we went to changi airport to play on their t3 slide and the giant bouncing castle! it was fun.

i was looking at scholarships earlier and one day when i have the money, i want to design a creative scholarship and give away my money! :D

Day 1

2010-12-27T10:48:00.002-05:00

US time – (19^th dec) Sunday morning

I arrived at JFK airport at around 7.30 and waited in a super long line for more than half an hour just to check into my flight. And security check was another 15 min, which wasn't too bad. I arrived at the gate and a few minutes later they started boarding. I sat between a young lady who had the window seat and a man, who was probably in his early 40's. On my 15 hour flight from new york to hong kong, there wasn't much talking among my seatmates. Everyone was glued to the cathay pacific entertainment screen infront of them, myself included. Sleeping was quite difficult. On Jetblue I usually fall asleep on their pull out table, but on cathay pacific the pull out table was at a position that was quite awkward to sleep on. The plane food was quite good. It was flavourful and not overcooked. For breakfast I had a wild mushroom omlette with sausages. For lunch I had some sort of tomato and basil marinated chicken with potatoes and something something carrots. I was expecting some dry bland chunks of chicken with a tomato base, but it was really tender.

When we finally arrived to hong kong I was so anxious. I was so happy to finally get off the plane and stretch out my legs! At the hong kong airport, to connect to my next flight, I had to go through another security check. I just wanted to be in Singapore already! So ma fan...

By the time I got out of security check I only had a few minutes before boarding began. I had planned to chat to a special someone but off onto a plane I went on. I sat next to an old lady from long island, new york. It was her first time going to singapore and then first time she was spending christmas so far from home. I didn't want to probe much into her family info, but I was quite curious to know why she wasn't spending christmas with her family. I felt a little guilty too because I wasn't spending christmas with my mom or my brother.

During the entire flight, the old lady and I were counting down to our arrival in singapore. 4 hours... 2 hours... 2 hours... 15 minutes!! I finally arrived in singapore at 6.45pm (5.45 am EST time). I got my backpack and power walked my off the plane, through the terminal, through customs and to baggage claims. While waiting for my bag, I looked around my yiyi. I saw no one. I did see one boy though who looked like my secondary school crush. I was like?? coincidence? (on the same flight to singapore there was a school returning from an overseas badminton competition and there was one girl who looked like a a secondary schoolmate who was friends with him.) and I just looked at the empty conveyor belt of the baggage claims. A minute or two passed and I looked back to all the people waiting for arrivals, in search of a face I could recognize. Aha! I spotted my uncle say ann.. with a camera! But I could not see anyone else in the crowd. I turned back to conveyor belt that was releasing the first luggages. Looked back again, saw the same image and turned to find my luggage. A few minutes later, I heard my name! Gasp everyone was there with a huge banner, “Welcome Home Elisabeth!” Yiyi, uncle sayann, cousins kalea and sean, auntie gina and uncle ah vid!

I went back to yiyi's place and took a quick shower and off to my first dinner in singapore after 234792346279 years... claypot rice! And sugar cane juice!!

-----------------------------------------------------------

The news here reported, 6 year annivarsary of the giant tsunami that hit southeast asia, which was also the same time when I left singapore! The news here also shows international news like something happening in Australia and another thing in India. and... SNOW in the east coast! lots and lots of snow!

c'est l'autumne!

2010-10-05T13:26:00.002-04:00

et je mets mes flippy floppeh encore. (:

maintenant je fais mes devoirs de statistique. et j'ai besoin etre une etudiante plus bien. ??? je ne sais pas si il fait le sense?

ouais.

au revoir!

mission not so well

2010-08-25T02:03:00.002-04:00

j'ai decide que je ne peux plus ecrire au francais completement. my brain just doesn't function quick enough to say all that i want to say in french. whereas english, il est la! je ne dois pas beaucoup d'energie. il est plus facile! plus plus, une million fois plus facile!

j'ai un nouveau telephone. il a un ecran tactile! et il est tres amusant jouer l'avec! recently j'ai joigne tumblr.com et je dois dire, il n'est pas plus versatile que blogger parce qu'il y a un fois quand j'ai pouvu changer le coleur d'un phrase MAIS quand j'ai ecrit l'html pour le, tumblr rendeait aveugle de le coleur! >.<

un jour et plus d'heures je sera a burlington! :D

fickleminded

2010-07-20T13:13:00.002-04:00

dis quelque chose un jour et dis une autre chose le prochaine jour

rapidement le vent change

et la tete saut mais on ne sait pas qu'est-ce que dire

je ne sais pas pourquoi je suis peur. je ne sais pas comment j'ai tombee. impossible. ce ne peut pas passer encore. je deviens tres fragile et je ne l'aime pas.

je veux ecrire de philosophie, mais je ne sais rien.

it stole my heart

2010-07-06T13:13:00.006-04:00

le premier fois je l'ai vu etait quand je suis reste avec mon frere a c'ville pendent l'hiver passe.

new & improved summer plans!

2010-06-14T03:36:00.003-04:00

parce que j'ai change mes plans pour cet ete, je dois trouver des nouveaux objectifs pour l'ete. plus que jusque aider ma mere. j'esperai aller la bibliotheque et lire plus de livres et faire des choses avec mes amies de ma lycee. mais je dois faire plus que ces choses. alors. ici sont mes objectifs:

1. Lire et etudier la Bible plus avec detail

2. Lire plus des autres livres et batir une tete forte et un esprit brilliant

3. Ecrire plus (je realise que peut-etre que ecrire plus ici m'aide avec mes etudies. c'est vrai?)

4. organiser ma maison

5. faire des choses avec mes amies

voila!

chuis tres peur de l'avenir. je sais que je dois avoir plus de la confiance avec Dieu.. mais beaucoup de choses. sigh.

FOCUS. girl focus.

je ne sais pas si il y a autre chose je peux faire en plus d'etre un docteur. je ne sais pas. ah, mon Dieu, chuis tres peur.

je ne sais pas si ma tete est prepare pour cette chose. parce que je sens que la chose nous sommes destine faire doive venir naturallement et pour moi pas beaucoup de choses viennent a moi naturallement. encore maintenant quand j'ecris au francais, j'ai des difficultes. les sciences, j'ai les difficultes, la musique la meme et le tennis la meme chose aussi! ah, pour quoi? pkoi pkoi pkoi....

mais je sais quelque jour je trouverai la chose que je suis destine faire. jusque j'espere il etait plus evident. :/

la deuxieme partie

2010-06-10T08:37:00.002-04:00

je ne sais pas si cette chose est quelque chose je veux en vraiment. si il n'est pas ce qui je veux, qu'est-ce que je fais? est-ce que je peux la retourner? je sais, je ne sois pas le prendre dans mes mains. mais, j'espere qu'il n'est pas trop tard. et je ne veux jamais jouer des jeux. jamais.

ce qui tu recevoit quand tu permis sa coeur gagne.

les emotions

2010-06-08T11:58:00.003-04:00

dood. i just loved epik high a bit more now! or a whole lot more! if what someone commented on this video is for real-z. that they're all christians. you know, oh man. :D

anyway, this song makes references that i still have yet to study. i love epik high

il y a quelqu'une qui m'a dit que la coeur d'une femme bouge plus vite que la coeur d'un homme. et la coeur bouge plus vite que la tete. c'est tout. cette quelqu'une est tres.. ou non, parle des choses tres interessantes. et c'est tout.

2010-05-28T21:35:00.002-04:00

i'm in new york!! staying at auntie irene's house, a friend of yi ma's. and it's been great! she cooks the food that my brother and i have been missing for like ever! curry, achar, some shrimp thingy and so much more! oooh! chrysanthemum tea! so good.

the city has been great tooooo! tuesday morning we arrived, my bro, nicholas and i. uncle david picked us up and went over to his place. nick and us parted ways. and i tried to get something together with jeff. for lunch uncle david brought us to this huge dim sum place. which was decent. their carrot cake was pretty crappy. it was like... it needs more radish/white carrots and less of the starch stuff that holds it together. the rest was good though!

later in the afternoon, my brother and i met up with jeff and we pretty much just walked around manhatten because we didn't plan out anything to do there. we visited fao schwartz.. with the GIANT piano! only i was dissapointed to see that the black keys made no sound. -.-

but it was still cool overall.

we walked forever in central park. it was beautiful. every direction you look, trees!! and buildings behind them... but it was gorgeous none the less.

wednesday we met up with nick and walked a ton again. we went to a noodle house in chinatown, walked to soho, went into a random art gallery, walked to greenwich village, saw a cheap jewelry store and bought 2 pairs of earrings for 99 cents each! (excluding tax) then went home for dinner.

yesterday we met up with jeff and nick. well, i woke up late, by an hour or so. panicked i woke my brother up. he on the other hand was like.. eh.. ok.

we finally got out onto a subway ride for a little more than an hour and waited for jeff at grand central. the original plan was to meet nick at the ticket office at 9.45. but it was like 11.30. so, i told nick to buy his tix first. jeff came and we decided to go see if there were anymoer student rush tix available and.. there still were! bought tickets and went to lunch at a thai place that had salmon curry! what? yes, you heard right, salmon curry! :D it was good. with some green tea ice cream. totally worth the money.

then we walked to central park to row a boat.. with my flippy floppies! that was a ton of fun too. we conquered an island.. but not really. :P after boating around we went in search of the museum of natural history! but we ended up navigating our way through central park that we ended with the metropolitan art museum, which was good too! :P but we also got chased out during closing time ):

then we had dinner on st mark's street and caught the train back uptown for promises promises! except i was let down that i didn't get to see kristen chenoweth live! but her understudy was great too... just that it would've been so awesome to see her live!! and sean hayes was in it too! :D

the show ended at 10.40ish and jeff, my bro and i went for the sub, parting ways with nick.. for who knows how long. maybe the next when i'm singapore we might meet up. i got home around midnight. and was pooped.

today was ok. walked and subbed around for 3 hours figuring out my way to my grand uncle's place... zzz. finally got to their place in flushing at 5 and had dinner and left around 7. came back to auntie irene's and i just had a second dinner.. so much food since i've gotten here! i have a food baby!

i'm going to bed soon.. because i'm falling into a food coma. and i'm exhausted from walking all day.

cheerio!

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars?

2010-05-15T07:41:00.004-04:00

i 've gotten almost all my grades in and... they're quite demotivating. especially psych. wth. i don't know anymore. i can do is have trust. i was thinking... is God trying to show me that being a doctor is the way? or do i need to push myself harder? because, well, i tried at the beginning of this semester to be super focused and stuff, but that all landed me in headaches. way to make me give you complete trust God. i have no clue what my future holds for me, except you.

je pense que je devrais ecrire en francais autant que je peux. depuis que je ne prends plus le cours de francais, je devrais toujours practiquer ici! maintenant chuis a JFK et j'attends pour m'avion a une heure. puis, je sera a MAINE! :D chuis tres surexcite pour cet ete. je sera a maine pour dix jours and apres je vole a nyc pour cinq jours and puis je retourne a singapour! je n'attends pas!

il y a un petit cafe devant de moi. mais je ne sais pas si je veux un sandwich ou si je devrais attendre pour trois heures pour ma mere m'acheter le dejeuner! hmmm.... maintenant je n'ai pas tres faim. alors... j'attends.

hier j'ai parti ma chambre a millis pour le dernier fois. il etait beaucoup de travail avec le nettoyer.. mais maintenant chuis FINI! :D

j'avait pense de ce chose de l'amour et je ne sais pas. peut etre chuis tres peur mais je ne sais pas si chuis le prepare. c'est pourquoi... mais il m'a dit il ne peut pas faire le...

Qu'est-ce que c'est?

2010-05-12T23:39:00.003-04:00

je ne sais plus ce que sentir. c'est la deception. je sens qu'il n'ai jamais exprime sa personnalite vrai. que peut-etre il n'etait jamais une personne vraiment gentil.

gahh.. i have to study for chem. so that i can bombard ruggles with questions tomorrow morning. focus, girl. focus.

psych final

2010-05-10T20:24:00.002-04:00

ugh.. i hate my psych class for one reason and one reason only:

no matter how hard i study, i still get the same exam results.

i studied for at least 8 hours and i still got in the 70s. what is this???

crazy i tell you.

other than that, i quite enjoyed psych.

2010-05-08T01:33:00.002-04:00

tonight was pretty awesome. got some bubble tea (papaya flavour) with jeff, xiaofeng, alex and sam at umall. then went din din at asiana house. we all got the sukiyaka??? soup bowl, but each with different noodles. lol

then... we watched KICK ASS! at the roxy! it was epic. except masha decided to be the loner and watch date night with a couple other loner couples. -_____________-

earlier today was ok. it was my last day of work for the semester and i got to cut open two mice! i pretty much did my own gross disection of it. and practice cardiac puncture and BAL. after i was like.. hmm.. wonder what their bellies are like...

after work, went lunching at the grundle. sat with this girl who i sorta know, but not really? she lives on my floor and we say high to each other, but i don't know her name!! maybe it starts with a K? like kaylee? i really don't know.

i need to pack.. i really hope natalie gives me her key to the lock before she leaves. so that i can put at least another box in there. i'm really sleeepy. but kick ass blew my mind. every moment was brilliant. just when you think that you know what's going on, you really don't! the soundtrack is pretty awesome tooo. i feel like sitting next to jeff made me laugh more than i probably would've. always. with our random moments. (:

i'm sleepy. and.. i need to pack tomorrow. lol.

cheerio!

looking ahead

2010-05-04T12:51:00.004-04:00

it's official! i'm flying back to singapore this summer!!! :D bought my tickets yesterday!! my yi ma is so funny.

why did you buy from cathay?? buy from SQ! see if you can cancel...

wait, don't cancel yet. SQ very full. but see how much to cancel.

and i woke up to this email:

have you attached your beautiful face to your resume?

-______________-

skipping chem on this fine day, because i wanted to finish my calc hw. there's a thunderstorm coming and i left my umbrella at work yesterday. :/

cheerio!

facing the day

2010-04-30T03:29:00.002-04:00

Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go

God never lets go (:

(never let go - david crowder band)

the mystery

2010-04-26T23:37:00.002-04:00

maybe God wants me to be a nurse?

i wish you could be clearer? or maybe i'm just blind.

le francais je deteste

2010-04-26T02:59:00.006-04:00

chuis parle/ecris en francais mal. je sais. tres informal. mais je pense que peut-etre pourquoi je le pense trop est parce que je ne veux pas mes autre amis pense que chuis roule avec lui. mais je ne sais pas ce que je fais avec lui. nous sommes les bons copains et il est tres gentil et je sais qu'il n'y a pas pensee mal. mais si je l'aime aussi, je ne sais pas si je l'aime pour les vrai raisons. vous connaissez? non.

maintenant j'ecris des essais francais et je ne l'aime pas. beaucoup. il est horrible. chuis fatigue, mais j'ai trouve quelque cafe! alors, j'espere il durera toute la nuit. ok. retourne a la vrai chose.

au revoir!

edit:

chrome has this translate bar that pops up at the sign of french and.. fail google translator. fail.

questions

2010-04-19T03:52:00.002-04:00

ughh... where has all the time gone?? how do i keep wasting these hours of my life away? day dreaming.. even though it's at night.

i'm listening to the wicked soundtrack.. and i really want to minor in music. but i don't know if i'm good enough, you know. actually, if i could, i would even major in music. but i'm also scared. because i know it's not easy at all. and it's hard doing chem, being premed and all. damn. i hate french hw. -______________-

i've been thinking, what if God wants me to do music? but at the same time, i don't want to do it just by impulse. God please talk to me and give me strength to do all this. all this stuff in front of me..

and stop being distracted! lol

i don't want to fade

2010-04-11T22:44:00.001-04:00

I NEED ENERGYYYY!! to do this compo man. ):

new realization

2010-04-08T01:40:00.004-04:00

you know what i need right? a friend who will force me to sit down and study. quietly. because... as much as i schedule my study times, i'm not as productive as i planned to be. everyone!!!.. telling me no!! it's a friday!! what? why?? why are you studying?? or like tonight (yesterday actually, according to blogger) masha was all like, why are you reading for psych?? do you have an exam coming up? (no, i don't, but i don't want to cram). well she didn't say it, but she was probably thinking that...

hahaha because i had planned to go ice skating tonight, but i felt God warning me not to waste anymore time. and it's a wednesday night! so.. darn you bored union. why'd you schedule such a fun event on a school night??

i had tons of fun tonight at the rink though! laughed my ass off with the fear of falling on my ass. haven't skated since i was like what? 8?? so i felt really awkward and silly on the rink and was pretty much laughing at myself. but my friends didn't understand (because i didn't tell them i was laughing at myself) and thought i was high. well there were many moments when i didn't know myself why i was cracking up.. hahaha

it feels like the weekend. why can't this be a friday night???

right now i'm into reading this book on justice in relation to christianity. so, cheerio!

oh, and i've been meaning to talk about KRUP. it was AWESOME. great experience. tutored lil' kids! another option in life, be a teacher!

2010-03-04T21:31:00.002-05:00

i don't even know what i want to say on this essay. what am i writing about? pull it together!! ugh.

________________________________________________

ok. i got. about media obsession. why? because my roomie, masha is WAY TOO obsessed with media! (:

but it's very bad. unhealthy. -shakes head-

i don't understand...

can't wait for 12 hours from now. all this will be over and i will be off for new orleans!! thank you masha for lending me your ipod!

cheerio!

les idees

2010-03-03T16:40:00.002-05:00

je dois ecrire un essai en francais. je veut ecrire l'importance de musique, mais je ne sais pas comment commencer? ouais. comment?

i don't know la. other ideas... importance of family, is it better to be fairly skilled in everything or have one pwnage skill? je veux ecrire la musique leh.

today has been a good day. i got my lab in, full of great effort one. then we had to do the partnerless! i don't know why. it just causes unnecessary stress. and takes longer and junk..

ok la. i'm going to bed. tonight was awesome, because SO MUCH FISH FOR DINNER! :D

at three servings of fish and then tried some mashed potato thingy ma bob. i don't understand why the grundle can't ALWAYS have dinner this. and lunch.. and breakfast - the most important meal of the day!

well.. GOOD NIGHT.

i love tuesdays!

2010-03-02T20:53:00.003-05:00

i just got back from dinner annnnnd... guess who i saw? :D

it's somebody who i actually don't know if i've mentioned here before.. but anyway it's this dood. who... was in my calc class last semester and my chem class last semester. chem would be mondays, wednesdays and fridays. and calc would be tuesdays and thursdays. so... i would see EVERDAY! but now he's in none of them and i don't see him anymore. except... today! was the fourth time i saw him in the dining hall! at dinner! and.. nothing happened la. i'm going to wait and see if we are in the same class next semester somehow or not. and if we are, then that's brilliant! if not... i guess.. i'll just forget about him. i mean what's going to happen right? i don't see how anything's going to happen by not talking to him and i don't see how i can just randomly go up to him and say "hey!" without feeling like such a creeper...

i'm soooooooooo sleeeeeeepy. but i need to finish my lab leh. ok. focus focus focus...

oh recently i got back into fei lun hai, FARENHEIT! :D because i've been watching ToGetHer. so cute!

it's all from watching ToGetHer :D

ok lah. i'm going to go do my chem lab now. cheerio!

plan B & C

2010-02-24T02:56:00.003-05:00

you know, sometimes i wish that i could just be a roaming musician. but i'm not the most talented musician.. but that shouldn't stop me, huh?

seriously man. maybe i'm not cut out for all this science stuff. i mean look at my chem grades. maybe i'm not the most cut out for college. that would be the easy way out actually. to just drop out and become a musician! well, sorta easy? i would just play on the streets and... try make a living.

actually, my plan B, if i don't get into med school, is to become a cook. set up my own business and mooch off my bro for the time being. then i'll be a big chef, and stop mooching!

my plan C is to join a band. a jazz band if they'll accept an amateur. (:

btw, it's snowing right now. and i've lost a lot of motivation to write my french compo.

cheerio!

slack post

2010-02-21T01:23:00.004-05:00

the only reason why i'm blogging is to avoid studying for my psych exam, which is on monday! whoo!

wanna know how i did on my chem exam? bombed it. -67.5

quite excellent. i just don't understand. chem. is. evil. i'm sorry. i really tried to like you. but you gave me splitting headache and now you just.. ugh. i can't even succeed in you. really? chem just needs to jump off a cliff please? or stop being such a bitch. (i also understand i might be the one having issues.. just maybe)

on the other side of the world... calc. i'm doing absolutely, wonderful! brilliant! fantastic! got a nice cozy 94 anddddddddddddd... plus one bonus point! because i solved a problem in class this one time.. on thursday. :D

thursday was a really nice day. well it was decent. i went to work. rushed back for lunch and rushed off to sit-in in my neuroscience lab, where i dissected a sheep 's brain! and i'd like to say that the texture of a preserved sheep's brain is like a mushroom? no. a little tougher than a mushroom, but something like that. i cut up the brain to learn the anatomy and it felt like cutting mushrooms. so that's why :P

friday was an extremelyyyyyyy lazy day. i got up at 8, even though i planned to wake up at 6...30. and took a very very very very very very very very very very very very very long one hour shower. mmhmm. it was so warm! i couldn't help it!

so then i came out and i was like.... man. it's snowing out there. just a little bit. but man. i wish french was cancelled today. so... i wrote madame an email. but i will be seeing her monday morning before class! so it's not like i don't care. i was just lazzzzzy..

and then i was like. sweet! now i have an hour to just chill before going to psych. and i can some breakfast too!

and then i got distracted surfing the internet. i'll go down to the grundle @ 10 and come back up and leave for class at 10.25. 10 o'clock came round and.. after this song ends. i'll eat. i was also obsessing with this song from hi my sweetheart:

and so it was like 10.15 when i went to eat and i saw dan, my lab partner dan! and i discussed with him my dilemma to go to psych and i concluded that i could just skip it and continue to be lazy. and he rushed off to his bio lecture.

11 came round and i decided i had to go to this chem lecture and end my lazy day. so i did.

oh! something really... ______. happened on friday. so i came back from chem and masha wanted to go downtown for a sorta complicated reason and treat me to lunch at the same time. so we went. and then she had to go to rite-aid and she was sampling nail polish. because she was looking for this specific coral-ish colour. but they all weren't in the right shade of coral. and out of nowhere, come this black dood! the size of a bouncer. and started creeping on us. first hiding behind some umbrellas and before you know it he's standing next to us, looking at nail polish too! ok... maybe he has a loverrr he's getting it for? and then he flashed us his intimidating rite-aid employee badge! acted like ice-t in law and order.

and told us how we defaced nail polish and we had to buy the ones we samples.. of which i sampled this atrocious green colour, because i was just curious how gross it would look. curiousity did kill the cat.

so now i'm on a mission. a very important mission. to ban rite-aid. because they have creepy, asshole employees who don't want to just straight out tell us it's illegal to do sampling of nail polish and wait until we tried everything! -.-

and they didn't have a sign to say that it's not allowed! wth. seriously. so badass of us..

but something to counter the bad... i found this pretty purple dress at urban outfitters for $10! (minus a penny) and i felt so... awesome! because their dresses are like $60 and up. crazy boutique!

came back from downtown. masha left for uncle's and will reminded me of tea hour. went to tea hour. chatted with xiao feng in broken chinese and chilled at the chinese house till 7. then we got dinner with salmon!!! :D

and then i came back here and obsessed with some more rainie related stuff. :P

today/yesterday according to this blog, i went to this chinese new year thingymabob, dood dad, what not. and it was alright. it was fun la. but not very chinese new yeary for me. but it was still fun. i just chilled and did karoke with erik. will tried to teach me mahjong and i learned the basics? yea. oh! and i met this other dood from singapore! so exciting! i just hope i didn't creep him out with my super eagerness...

dood. you have no idea how freaking excited i was.

then i came back and our power blew out and then we got that fixed and then we watched post grad. which has a lot of funny lines. love alexis bledel! and i love the family in the movie! they were so funny and special. (:

ok. i need to do psych. for real. right now. because... it's 2 in the morning and.... yeah.

cheerio!

who am i?

2010-02-07T01:10:00.004-05:00

there are so many things i want say

and show these things in so many ways

but still the question in my mind is how?

everytime i meet up with chem, i feel like i'm in a dead end. it just frustrates me how it just beats me down every time. plays silly mind games with me and melts my brain into goo. eww.

just a few photos corinna took while i was vacationing at UVa avec mon frere. (:

i miss vacationing. i looked so happy! well, i am happy now too. i just need to face this dreadful chem exam. oh and then there's this calc exam, and maybe i'm just being paranoid and you may call me overacheiving, but if i don't get at least 95% on this calc exam, i will DIE. because calc is the only thing i can rely on to pull my gpa up.

tonight/wee hours in the morning, i will be studying HARDcore (like parkour) for this chem exam. i NEED at least a 90. i really need to do well this semester. i will sacrifice it all to get my 4.0, even SLEEP.

btw, i just got back from billings. watched Precious, with masha, mukda, theresa, sorta natalie, sorta gabbi and sorta claire. well these sorta people sat in a completely different row than us. so... yeah. only sorta. it was a very intriguing movie. the imagery was great. like when the (each one teach one) teacher was asking precious to read and she just zoned out, it was like how i pretty much zone out when ruggles, or the people at the neuroscience forum, explain me... stuff. yepp. i hear the noise they make, but i can only make out little of what the say. the simple words, like the and and. but everything else... reaction mechanics? what's that??

i legit don't even really know what i'm doing when i take those chem exams. every time i go to ruggles to make sure my exam was correctly graded and explain what i did wrong, i pretty much tell him i didn't really know what i was doing, i just wrote some stuff??

mmhmm. yepp. ok. back to hitting the books. till another day! (if i survive this week)

week one

2010-01-23T19:41:00.002-05:00

this week i've changed and grown, just by a little bit. i was going to take the healthcare ethics class, but i've decided that it's way too demanding for me. 6 essays that have to be perfect or else they'll have no grade? i don't think so.

my french professor is definitely better this semester. something about last semester made me hate french, mais je ne le deteste pas vraiment. peut etre je sois ecrire au francais. parce que je suis dans un atelier pour ecrire. maintenant nous apprennons comment ecrire un portrait. dans la classe de psych nous apprennons comment notre tete apprend tous les choses, comment il montre les choses il apprend. ouais, ici j'ecris ces choses pour practiquer mon francais, mais je pense que peut-etre je ne utilise pas practiquer dans le correct place. ouais?

ma grammaire n'est pas le plus bien aussi...

j'aime mon cours de neuroscience. maintenant nous apprennons l'histoire de neuroscience, mais il y a un peut de choses interessantes, comme les expériences que les scientifique faisaient.

__________________________________________________________________

ok. this post is long overdue. it's been sitting here for the past 3 days.

long right?

i don't know what my problem was. all in all, the past week was alright. i studied chem on saturday! oh!!! exciting news. i met someone from CC in person! finally! at last! whoo! what else?

well. right now i'm contemplating on doing UVM rescue. today i did some observation hours. and it's really time consuming once i get started. well, they said to bring homework because some days are dead. so.. i don't know. i really want to do this. the only thing that worries me is that it'll negatively impact my grades. and i really REALLY need to get straight A's.

listening to jay chou before my roomie comes back from her calc class in an hour. ;)

oh! hey another great news! i made my first partying friend in calc! if he still wants to be my friend because i DON'T party. but now i have some info about some party at some frat house that goes along the name of a___ ___ ___? on friday! yea. it actually didn't sound very greek when he said it. his name is mark.. or marc? i don't know. is he french? peut-etre. je ne sais pas.

and i plan to go to the hockey games vs UMAINE!! this friday. need to get masha up tomorrow before i leave so we can get teeeeeeeekits!

on another note, MURRAY won over NADAL! i don't know whether to be shocked or excited. because this morning i was watching their match for murray. and i was like.. but nadal's also very good, as in extremely good. both of them are great to watch, BUT why the knee injury??? cut the freaking game short. ughhh.

tomorrow morning aka 3.30 am.. DJOKOVIC! :D very excited. i love watching tall men play. they just move so excitingly! they run for every ball and play hard and make the game so intense. looking forward to murray's next match against cilic. he's cute. cilic. hahaha. (:

oh and guess what! my CC friend, chris, plays au tennis! :D gotta get something set up between demitri, chris, michelle and i, if it's possible. if they're up to it.

loving jay right now! ((:

whew

2010-01-19T10:22:00.002-05:00

i feel like i'm commiting suicide, but i added a fifth course to my schedule, because i just feel so... intrigued from uva's courses. it's health ethics course. and i just called uvm rescue! scheduled my observation hours. i also checked up on the website how many hours i have to work, because martine told me her friend does it and it's very time consuming. i'm still going to be very focused this semester. it's all things i want to do. no more watching tv, because that's seriously not what i want to do with my life.

i just hope i'm not commiting suicide. God please be with me.

i need to do extremely well. straight A's. i NEED it.

somewhere a clock is ticking

2010-01-16T21:54:00.002-05:00

can you believe it? i leaving tomorrow! i can't believe break's over already! i'm looking forward to returning to campus, but, i'm going to mis cville!! i kinda miss burlington though. i told my brother how the mountains are more scenic outside my window compared to here. it's true! they're so much clearer to see from my hall than his hall can see his.

so. time to get serious. to help me with some hardcore studying, i need to have an actual study schedule and STICK TO IT. so it goes:

Monday

9.30 class

2 work

5+ dinner

7 small groups

8.20 study psych/neuro

9.40 shower

10.30 chem

12ish sleep

Tuesday

10 be awake by then and have breakfast

11 study chem (and if i do UVM rescue in the morning, then i'll be awake even earlier and no studying)

1 class

4 french

5ish dinner

7 shower

8 psych

10 french hw/coursecompass

11.30 sleep

Wednesday

9.30 class

4 psych/chem

5.30 dinner

7 pep band? (if they're accepting new members)

8.30 shower

9.30 psych/neuro

10.30 chem

12 ish sleep

Thurday

9.30 wake up

10.30 study/UVM rescue

1 class

4 french

5ish dinner

6.45 intervarsity encounter

9 shower

10 psych/french hw/course compass (which ever is of more importance)

11.30 bed

Friday

9.30 class

2 work

5ish din din

7 shower

and relax for the day if i've been following my schedule

Saturday

maybe i should UVM rescue here

but study also. i'll schedule later.

Sunday

church

12 lunch

2 study chem

3 chill

5 dinner

7 shower

8 study psych/neuro/french

it's only subject to change with uvm rescue.

oh another thing! this morning i looked up some apartments and i'm favoring the keenscrossing complex. it looks pretty. and if it's masha natalie and i, then we each only pay a little under $400. oh and there's cute townhouse a little north of downtown.

SO... well, i was looking at my bill. and though i have nothing to pay, i'd like to minimize my loans. i noticed that my housing costs a little more than 5900 a year. and the keenscrossing rent will be almost half of my housing costs per month! so it seems like a good deal right?

i'm really excited to get an apartment now!! :D

i need to go to bed now though. i have to get up in the morning to do laundry and pack and then leave! (and possibly meeting up with corinna for one last time)

ahh! where'd all the time go???

just keep swimming swimming swimming

2010-01-11T06:08:00.003-05:00

ha ha ha haaaa i like to swwwwimm

right now i'm addicted to this game fish tycoon. well. actually no. not addicted. but it's a trial that came with my computer, like every computer has. and the fish grow and starve even when it's off. and i can only load this game twice.. i think. sooooo.... i'm just going to let this game run for as long as it can. it doesn't use much RAM anyway. so what the heck right?

right now i'm just impatiently waiting for my fish to grow and sell. and have no life of my own.

yeahh..

resolutions

2010-01-08T07:23:00.006-05:00

i realized a little after new years that i never made a resolution for this year. in fact i haven't been making one for the past two years. maybe that's where i've been failing...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok, i just got freaked out by a random person knocking on my window! it was just someone who got locked out.. at yes, 7 in the morning. and i my heart is racing now. ok. breathe. it's all ok. i thought some ghost or demon was crackling at my window. because it feels more like night than morning since i didn't sleep last night. it's not the lack of sleep, but rather my biological clock is a little screwed up, with some help from my brother.

i shouldn't blame him though. it all started because one night i decided to stay up a few hours later to beat the pool game on miniclips. and a battle within myself ensued in the following days. and now.. here i am. up at 7.30 am with no sleep since 5 pm yesterday. it's all pretty excellent i have to say. although all this typing is tiring my brain out. but i had to type. i got back from corinna's 2 hours ago and went to bed. only to find that my mind was racing with all these thoughts and plans. i need to call the financial aid office, email my advisor, write my smdep essays, schedule my summers, eventually call uvm rescue for observation. and.... what i should write for smdep. if i didn't already mention it.

well i guess it started from what i should say to my advisor. i was going to tell her about my plans for the summer. or ask if it's a good plan to do summer school this summer, then smdep next summer and research (& mcat prep) the summer after that. i would then further explain how feel that she might want to get to know me better over the course of the year to write me a sincere recommendation and not just for the heck of the nice.

i also feel this way for my chem professor who has no idea i plan to ask him for him, or knows anything much about me, except for seeing me once at work. and seeing him a few times during his office hours.

oh and then.. i thought of what i'm going to write about in my essay and of how interacting with my brother and his friends, especially corinna, has rejuvenated my curiosity. sorta. well, i'm reminded of my need to be curious. a good kind of curiosity though. not the kind that killed the cat. you know what i mean? like einstein. and have the imagination to spark the curiosity.

oh and that's my new year's resolution. then this will lead to being more hardworking and understanding what i'm learning better and actually putting thought and care into my work. i pretty much slacked a lot last semester. hanging out, watching junk and stuff.. that were really awesome stuff, but all in all, i got distracted. not good. not good at all.

oh and i need to email my ex french prof about persepolis. oh and hah. i need to remind my bro to return his borrowed dvd's to clemon's. DOOD. why am i not in uva? it's freakin' awesome. but i also love uvm. ahhh!! i'm at uvm.. well.. the courses sound so much more interesting at uva. or maybe it's because i'm only taking the elementary courses as a first year..

so fustrating!

well. better get some rest. because we're meeting corinna in about 4 hours.. yepp. need to go to the bank too!

good night. you know what i mean. right?

hey

2010-01-04T15:40:00.003-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

i know i'm little late, but here i am now!

c'ville has been pretty great. i made my brother spend more than he usually does and he's a little mad with me. i think he's mostly over it though.

well.. i was supposed to say a ton of stuff, like i usually have and again i can't. so... i'm done here.

later.

the most wonderful time of the year

2009-12-26T09:17:00.003-05:00

merry christmas!!!!

this year christmas was really mellow. oh yea. i'm finally charlottesville! got here on tuesday night. and i think i've finally caught up with all the sleep i've been lacking. on thursday night at like 10.30 john and i went over to gwathmey to find people to chill with. i met some new people.. lindsay, weiqi, catherine? and lala. they were playing cards and waiting up to midnight for christmas! so we decided to join them. midnight came and wei qi and lala started singing christmas songs and we all joined in. it was a good time.

as we were leaving, wei qi came up to john telling him that there was a package outside for him. and from who? SANTA. it was a giant stocking filled with goodies! and that's what it said. hahaha

it was a mysterious friend of my brother's who apparentely he had told too many times that santa clause does not exist. or maybe it just once and he his friend was just bored and generous. anyway, now we've losts of goodies. i think we've eaten half of them already actually. doughnut holes, dots candy, cookies n' cream chocolate, toothbrushes, jello mix, gum, pancake mix, cologne, bedsheet set, tinkywinky soft toy, peanut brittle, razors, and a bunch more!

oh and gift cards to k-mart! so... maybe it was a bunch of friends... because that's a lot of stuff.

i haven't been very good at spending this break with my bro. i think maybe because i've been so tired. so. now that i've gotten back my energy, i think i will go and wake him up now.

cheerio!

no one is as lucky as us

2009-12-21T16:07:00.003-05:00

and now i've got a feeling if i sang this loud enough that you would sing it back to me

so... i have to say, i absolutely love this new layout. now i don't have to scale down the videos i post here!

so for the past two days i have been stuck in new york, flushing, queens (yes, place of fran the nanny). well first greyhound cancelled all the buses going southbound because the weather decided to be crazy and snow everywhere. so here i am. today has been a good day. in the morning i skyped with my brother. and i'm taking the bus down to charlottesville tomorrow! i really hope, for sure, that my ticket is exchangable or still valid, because i don't want to pay $74, because it's not my fault that the weather decided to be crazy.

went out with my grand uncle and auntie to eat some lunch. ate a sesame chicken with ginger and that red thingamabob. the best part of the meal. and then some spareribs and kangkong. i haven't ate that in like foreverrr.. and.. steamed fish! although, it's not what i had expected for steamed fish. different kind of steamed fish than the one in singapore. it was oily with some sauce and what not.. fish sauce. well the kind of steamed fish that i like is just the fish steamed with fresh chilies and ginger. and that's all it needs. oh and spring onions... i don't need all that brown stuff that was there.

after lunch went grocery shopping. got some frozen durians to eat avec mon frere. and mochi! dood. those things are frikin' awesome..

and got some egg tarts!

when we got back auntie showed me how to make this apple and cucumber salad. very refreshing. and the basics of making my own salad dressing. uh huh.

now i'm listening to paramore! and then going to take a shower. to be clean! that's always nice.

new york is dirty..

cheerio!

new background

2009-12-20T21:13:00.003-05:00

so... i sorta changed it. well, just the background part.

yes. paramore! (:

hi

2009-12-10T14:27:00.001-05:00

my blog needs a new layout

i know.

the cool flash is gone.

so...

i will do it soon.

next week or something.

i feel like..

2009-12-05T01:05:00.003-05:00

i'm losing myself. i've become so distracted from what i've come here to be. my head just feels so... confuddled? i don't even know what that means. i don't think it's a real word either.

i'm just trying to figure out how i made myself in such a stressed situation/feeling. i spent my first month here, september doing fine i guess. maybe it was all those weekends i decided to just chill. i don't know. too much chilling and now i'm paying for it with more pressure.

i don't know what i want to say anymore. i feel my spirit dying. slowly. it's like senior, but hopefully it won't be worse. no way. well, when i say spirit, i mean more of my personality. i feel like i've lost it. i don't know who i am. you know what i mean? i feel like my personality is drowning out and hiding behind someone else. i can't be straightforward. which i really hate. but not right now.

this weekend, i just need to focus on STUDYING. i need to prepare for my french oral. and i need to carefully read my psych textbook. oh and do some practice final exam for chem. it can be done and it will be done.

i just hope... it's hard to express how i'm feeling right now. maybe i'm just having an anxiety fiesta right now. whatever, i need to sleep. so. goodnight and sweet dreams.

more to add to the good night

2009-11-01T01:39:00.002-04:00

love is not just the word of the week. it's the word of the lifetime. (:
i know it's cliche for some people, but they're not me.

tonight (last night) is going to be (was) a good night

2009-11-01T01:16:00.003-04:00

this is such a powerful song, video and has great lyrics. to me at least, because it's the message i want to tell my jie, melissa, in case you're feeling lost. and it's also the thing i'm telling myself.

i feel so two sided, like unintentionally two-faced. which i don't want to be. there's just so much worry in me, so many troubles, family, and such, but i don't want to let it show, because i'm afraid that i'll look like a freak. because stressed out people pretty much do. but i don't want to be prententious either.

word of the week: love.

happy halloween people!

i had a pretty great one. first time trick or treating. with masha and natalie. here are two memorable moments:

*DING DONG*
-TRICK OR TREAT!
old couple opens the door...
old lady: where are you guys from?
masha natalie & i (us): UVM
old lady: son of a gun. are you guys going downtown later?
us: yea
old lady: you should, but don't go into the bars. my son used to go to UVM and he would dress up as dracula, with a collar hiding a straw from his hands to his mouth and steal people's drinks"

*DING DONG*
(muffled actions behind the door)
man behind the door: you want me to give them pencils??!

we did go downtown and there were the sketchy people, the slutty people and some cool people. and there was one stingy lady at ben&jerry's who didn't want to give us a scoop of ice cream when we said "trick or treat!" she just stared at us awkwardly and said,"we don't have candy". i'm pretty sure ben and jerry would have been willing to give us a treat on the house if they were there. i'm not psychic, but i'm pretty sure they wouldn't have minded.

anyway. i'm attempting to read my psych textbook so that later today i can just type away!

goodnight/morning (:

ding! ding!

2009-10-28T02:17:00.002-04:00

OK. change of thought process. this time, comparing noah's ark ad gilgamesh and the ovid version and other versions and discuss why noah's ark is so believable and why it is accepted by christians. so much easier. you have no idea how much. still. ok. i'm good.

yawn/thought processing

2009-10-28T01:56:00.003-04:00

i really don't know where i'm going with my paper. so far, what i've got, is a a very summerized summerization of the flood story from gilgamesh and noah's ark. it's terrible. ugh. i don't know what to write about.. you know? ugh. my mind is on freeze. i'm so off schedule. should i just sleep for four hours? or am i being tempted. agh. i used to be able to stay up all night long. i just don't have the motivation right now. what happened to me? i don't like this. here's a paragraph of ranting. if i could only type like this on my research paper. i hate this. so much. good night. i need to organize my thoughts.. with some sleep.

i really don't know where i'm going with this. i'm half asleep. can't think very clearly. whatelse? after summerizing stories, what do i plan to do? compare right? what am i comparing? i'm so out of focus. i am comparing.. comparing.. comparing how.. gilgamesh is alike to noah's ark.. yes! and.. annndd.. which is the true version? i know the bible(i just typed people instead of bible zzz..) is the true version, but, i'll pretend like i don't know and just research i guess.

i just need to read some stuff.. but i'm pretty much too tired to do reading. well, it's more of get quotes to put in my paper and etc. ok. i have it planned out. i need sleep. good night.

i hate not being able to choose

2009-10-26T23:49:00.002-04:00

i love this song so much.

right now i'm looking things up for my english research paper. i've figured at last, with more concrete ideas of what i'm going to write about.. parallels of the great flood in noah's ark and the one in gilgamesh. yep

okay, that's what i was doing an hour and a half ago. (it's 1.10 am right now). what did i do during that period? i got distracted by searching for SMDEP stuff. i was trying to remember what the program was called and then i was deciding and "ooh"ing and "ah"ing at what college to do it at. UVA vs. Yale vs. UT. the last one is more of because masha's from texas and she would like me to hang out in houston with her at some point.

yea. and 5 minutes ago i got distracted by UVM rescue. i'd like to volunteer. and then get some training. i'm trying to see if it's legit EMT training, because then i can actually work as an EMT, especially over the summer when i have no workstudy for labs. eugh. i like my job. i don't know how much my job/people at my job like me, but i like my job. it's alright you know. it's not the funnest thing ever, but i learn stuff, every so often. like.. how to make gel and i can wean mice! and lotsa other lab stuff. it makes me think of bones, so much, except no crime solving stuff. sad.

i hope people at my work like me (i say naively). i mean, i just hope i'm not a nuisance. today i pretty much screwed up because i ran the gel for too long and the results weren't very good. also, i feel so awkward, socially, in the lab. so.. inexperienced. well duh, i am, but.. sigh. i don't know how to explain it. other than that though, i like my job. i just wish i wasn't so awkward.

ok. i need to spend tthe next 10 minutes looking up for something for my research paper and then GO TO BED. mmhmm.

goodnight(/morning).

so i was thinking

2009-10-25T02:47:00.003-04:00

what if i changed my major to physics. i don't know the most about physics, but it's an interesting subject. i wanna say i felt more focus when i studied it, but i can't say it with 100% confidence. i don't know. i mean, what the real reason why i want to major in neuroscience? because i believe it's a cool major that will make me stand out in my med school app (which now i worry that i just might not make it). because there's this coolness factor in the idea of being a neurosurgeon and even in being a missionary doctor with credentials of brain surgery. you know? i don't know how many people in this world are in need of brain surgery? i know i could do therapy work while being a missionary doctor, but i don't know.

i basically want to be a surgeon, because i like to cut things. like my hair for instance. i have this need to snip it every so often, myself, not going to a hair dresser. so it doesn't really matter to me, at heart, if i do become a brain surgeon. all that matter is that i become a surgeon. i also have this attatchment to physics. i haven't read any physics text lately, but in chem, we're studying wavelengths and i can't help but think of physics. or when i'm walking and i feel like i'm going to slip and fall, i can't help but think of the physics to prevent me from falling? you know what i mean? i don't know.

maybe i should become a physicist. but i don't want to stray away from my neuroscience major. basically, i don't want to change the status quo. but i need to. because this isn't working out. i don't know. i have some time to figure this out i guess.

ok. it's really late. almost 3 in the morning. goodnight.

super trooper

2009-10-25T01:34:00.002-04:00

look here! i've found a blog about improving studies! it gives pretty advice for test taking, studying and organization. mmhmm.

http://calnewport.com/blog/

so.. i haven't been doing anything with my research paper. i have ideas, just no focus or interest in them.

i want to say something about confidence, but it's not coming out the way i planned it in my head. i'll get back to it at some point.

cheerio!

just this

2009-10-23T00:51:00.001-04:00

i have just this to say

CONFIDENCE

that's all. i'm sleepy.
good night.

whirly who

2009-10-21T12:12:00.002-04:00

priorities. i don't have any. well i do. i've just lost them. what's the most important class.. where i need to use my brain the most? let me see:

1. Chem
2. Psych
3. French
4. Calc
5.English

ok. and my to-do list:

1. French exam on Au Revoir Les Enfants on Friday
2. Psych writing assignments
3. English research paper by Tuesday
4. Chem review questions
5. Calc course compass

ok. well, it's not as bad as what natalie has to do.. but i'm not gloating! i'd never. i don't know how she does it. she's like a superwoman. though i can tell she's really really stressed out. insomnia. hate.

no tv shows for the next couple of days. sorry glee! ):

gtg get lunch.

cheerio!

brand new eyes

2009-10-18T19:16:00.004-04:00

on a more serious note, not like failing is a serious thing. it is. but.. hmm. how do i say this. (this was written minutes after i wrote my previous post. in case this isn't making sense.)

you know that vulnerable feeling you get when you let your guard down and you let everything out. well. i haven't really been doing that here. all the things here are true, but it's been a long time since i've wrote something deep. and i'm starting to find that i might be losing it. i don't know if that makes any sense. it's not even the feeling of something deep i'm talking about. it's like the feeling of.. just letting the world in. but basically, everything i say here, for the most part has been.. just things of the surface.

my roommate, masha, has set up a new blog: http://youareb-e-a-utiful.blogspot.com/

and it has a good purpose. mine.. has no purpose. just sharing my life.. on just the surface. well, i guess this blog first started to share what i've been up to. and i started blogging because... i wanted to be like that famous singaporean blogger. what's her name? xin something. i wanted to get popular enough to get sponsors and get free stuff!

i was young.
and i still am.

this blog's new focus: discovering my place in this world. i've always believed that i have a focus for my life. but i'm starting to lose it. i don't know if i really had one to begin with. but that's what the new focus is.

cheerio!

AGHHH

2009-10-18T19:08:00.001-04:00

i don't know. i'm just worried.
that i'm going to fail.
i know. i have to stop watching tv shows!
must stop.
now.

i hate this. so... unexplainable.

PSYCH TIME.

FOCUS.

cheerio.

woot!

2009-10-17T20:38:00.002-04:00

Hello! This is my first post writing from my new tablet! and... this is my first typing on my new tablet!

it's muchfaster to type so i'm going to continue this typing.

okie dokie.

when was the last time i posted? oh i don't know. probably a month ago. i don't know why it has taken me so long. but here i am!
a lot has happened since the last time i posted something. like... I GOT A JOB. like a real legit job. uh huh. at a lab! i love it. for the most part.

well.. i'm extremely awkward, so the whole thing is just awkward for me. especially because i have no experience. so this is good. i just hope i don't end up being the annoying.

hmm. chem. i don't really want to talk about it, but i guess i need the therapy. -sigh-
i've two exams in my course so far and.. i did awful for both of them. 59 and then 64.5. ugh. it's stressing me out because i don't want to end up getting a D, or even a C in that class.. or any class for that matter. in the beginning i didn't even want a B. now i'm going to be very happy, getting a B. chemistry isn't all that hard to understand, but for reason that class makes me want to shoot myself. it's terrible.

moving on to a more cheery subject, i had a midterm i had a midterm for world lit on thursday and i hardly read any of the books we were supposed to read in that class. and i wouldn't be surprised if i got a B. (:

so... i'm doing my psych homework right now.. kinda. yea.

cheerio! (i know it's a bland post)

COLLEGE

2009-08-31T14:15:00.003-04:00

bon jour mes amis! dood. i haven't done anything here for more than a month. hah. last day of the month!

classes started today. got out at 11.30. so sweet. moving in was treacherous. i live on the highest floor, fourth. hard.

masha.. my roomate. shared great laughs with her yesterday. watched 30 rock. went to convocation and twilight induction and checked out the party at davis and went back to our room where we found.. mylifeisaverage.com. pretttty hilarious:

Today, my mom called me from Costco asking me if I wanted Mickey Mouse chicken nuggets or dinosaur chicken nuggets. It was, hands down, the hardest decision I have had to make. MLIA

Today, I realized my boyfriend, Paul Crunch, is a lieutenant in the Navy. If he's promoted, he will be Captain Crunch. I may marry him, just for this. MLIA

Today, an elderly lady I take care of scolded me for 'sneaking up on her.' I said "Well, I'm a ninja, you know." She suddenly looked very serious and said "A ninja would never reveal her skills." Too true, old lady, too true. MLIA

so many. too many. i can't post it all. you should just read them on there because it is freaking awesome!

so far i know of three people from my orienation group who are in my classes. beth and julie in chem and nick in psych.

well. that's all for now. cheerio!

the girl can't help it

2009-07-12T15:20:00.002-04:00

it's been almost two weeks and i still haven't blogged about orientation! oh wait, you probablydidn't even know that i had orientation, because i haven't blogged for over a month! well, here i am. and here's what i got to say, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT UVM!!

orientation was fun. i met all sorts of people. the great, the swell, the interesting.. the very interesting and one disturbing... yepp. i got to know a lot about the people in my orientation group. one, a little too much.

so i got there on friday, the 27th and burlington greeted me with one ferocious thunderstorm. we spent half and hour looking for a hotel to stay at, while driving in the rain and lightening. we ended up staying at a somewhat nearby hotel. it wasn't too far. just not as near as say, anchorage inn. it was fairfield inn, so that was good too. then once we checked in, the rain stopped! and so we went out to reckkie downtown burlington.

then saturday.. we had to do some emergency shopping and so we went to macy's. and you know how they always are, expecially right now.. they were having one extraordinary one day sale. my mom bought a sweet pair of shoes, originally $70++, for $30+. so fineee. (:

sunday.. check in day! not as chaotic as i had imagined it to be. took a tour of the campus and i really want to live at redstone hall!

i had a lovely OL, hannah! and our group played games to get to know each other that wonderful afternoon. like answering questions on a beach ball: who do you prefer? hannah montana or the jonas bro? what's your dream pizza? what are your hobbies? etc..

and then we made our id cards at davis center. that took forever. and shiny card! and then lunch. decent food there.

after we learned about how to select the right courses and all that jazz, which for the most part i already knew about. then.. another talk! about meal plans, which i had previously read about. so that was a total bore. then bbq dinner. decent too. then another talk... this one was good though. it was about having an open mind blah blah. the speaker was really good though. she compared how humans judge one another like we buy cars. hah.

after that, OL meeting and played a few more games. two truths one lie and then tell fun facts aout yourself! and that's when we heard an interesting... appropriate story - a sex story. ;)

by the time the meeting ended, it was about 9 and there was a block party.. which for the most part was spent waiting in line to get henna tats which i ended up deciding were not my thing... right before my turn. the two hours did not go to waste though. gina, beth, kaiylee and (very terribly, i've forgotten her name) another girl, took some awesome myspace-esque pictures, with very poor self photo taking skills of gina. thank goodness, in one sense, that she doesn't have facebook. and she took pictures of a guy with knee high socks, rocking out the rave party remixes... and shorts and a tee. oh and he had a buddy who styled the same clothes too! both of them.. rocking dj's!

after henna, people weren't so awkward about dancing.. but it still looked awkward, just not so much. summary of the night: we watched fresh prince, played that trivia game and gave up half way.. utter bore. and.. took pictures with.. what's his name? well, the mascot! yes. i am not putting up the picture. it's good enough that's on facebook. we all look.. fatigued. in other words horrible. hah.

so we decided after waiting a billion years for our pictures to print, to return to wingdaviswilks hall, because the block party wasn't much. although i have to mention that there was inflattable twister and this thing you tie yourself to with a bungee cord, an inflatable thingymabob. and you run away from this wall, as fast as you can. and when you go the furthest you can go, the bungee cord pulls you back.. POW! i know, amazing fun right? well i wouldn't know, because i didn't dare.

so we returned to our dorms. everyone in our little group (wait-in line for henna group) basically lived on the fourth floor, except kaiylee and i. we lived on the third. we other people in our large group (with OL) who lived on the third floor. and they were all gathered in common room. so. we all went there. and ended up chatting till like 2 in the morning. interesting conversations there... about sex and getting high. very eye opening. i mean, i knew that there were people in college who did all that stuff, but i just didn't expect to meet them all right off the bat, you know what mean?

but.. it was all fun, all in all. great experience. for sure college is going to be brilliant. not like i had any doubts there.

right now i'm overwhelmed with pre med and med school prep, because in the middle of this post, i took a break to look at collegeconfidential and.. read up on pre med stuff. and... OVERWHELMED. do you hear me? imagine.. 50% of those who apply to med school get rejected from every single one they applied to. i'm sorry, but me not going to med school and simply out of the question.

and i'm probably going to have so. many. loans.

it's very discouraging. BUT i have no fear! i can do it! i have to do it! failure is not an option!

cheerio!

graduation & project grad

2009-06-09T16:47:00.005-04:00

Alas! and did my Savior bleed
And did my Sov’reign die?
Would He devote that sacred head
For such a worm as I

Refrain:
At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light,
And the burden of my heart rolled away,
It was there by faith I received my sight,
And now I am happy all the day!

Thy body slain, sweet Jesus, Thine—
And bathed in its own blood—
While the firm mark of wrath divine,
His soul in anguish stood.

Was it for crimes that I had done
He groaned upon the tree?
Amazing pity! grace unknown!
And love beyond degree!

Well might the sun in darkness hide
And shut his glories in,
When Christ, the mighty Maker died,
For man the creature’s sin.

Thus might I hide my blushing face
While His dear cross appears,
Dissolve my heart in thankfulness,
And melt my eyes to tears.

But drops of grief can ne’er repay
The debt of love I owe:
Here, Lord, I give myself away,
’Tis all that I can do.

This song brought me so much joy on Sunday.

graduation was HOT. it didn't rain! thank God. it would have totally sucked if it were in the stuffed up gym.

i'm really going to miss the band. especially playing the saxophone, since i don't know when the next time i can get my hands on one again.. it's going to be a really long time till i'll have enough money. i have to say, thanks to band and playing the sax, that i really love jazz. i'll always remember my band family. LP, meg, the ben, joey, jalana, melissa, jenny, leah, albie, hot sauce! and so many more!

Sing, Sing, Sing (with A Swing) - Brian Setzer Orchestra

so project graduation was great. yes. before we left, we had lunch and guess who i saw? the mom of someone who i still find special (yada yada so and so). on the bus trip, we were all like, WHERE ARE WE GOING!.. it wasn't the same place as last year and it wasn't in lewiston exactly, but close... real close. some spare-time bowling alley-what-not.

there was a hypnotist and though, there may not have been the most interesting scenarios given, it was absolutely hilarious. at the beginning spatty would daydream in his chair with a big smile on his face. watching LP make funny faces and andrew be a five year old was the best. and francis - "what's your name?" "nuh uh" ahahahaha

i bowled so much that my arms are still sore, since sunday night. i played wii for the first time ever! i played pool with sam against francis and mark.. and well.. we lost. there were lucky draws. i won this memory card reader. i should've chosen those pillows. there were contest, like the frozen t-shirt, some whip cream thing and some baby food thing. i ended with playing set with LP's mom, rhonda, albie's mom and jamie (i think). and when we left.

on our way back to sopo, the song that could've described the feeling (but not really) is:

.x. Good Morning .x. - .x. Judy Garland .x.

i fell asleep on the bus trip back. but i woke up to brittany walsh's shout of freezing with the open windows. then i fell back to sleep. and woke up at GOVERNOR'S. apparentely beej was about to take a picture of cam and andrew looking at me creepily. heh. so at governor's we had a breakfast buffet. with BACON and sausage! yum yum.

then back to school, which we no longer attend! woot!

alright. i'm writing a resume to send to joe's boathouse. if it's God's will, i really want to work there since i can just walk over there from my house.

i can't wait for college.

cheerio!

come fly with me

2009-05-18T21:04:00.003-04:00

Come Fly With Me - Frank Sinatra

PROM WAS.. good. that's all i can say. well. i think it's overrated. i didn't hold much for it in the first place, but it's just eat and dance.. to hip hop? yeah. it was the music that pretty much ruined it. if they played jazz all night long.. that would've been sweet.

okay, maybe not all night long. but a ton more jazz than.. hip hop. hiphop probably originated from jazz in the first place. it probably did.

so the day began with me going to the nail salon and got an awesome french mani. unfortunately the polish was chipped off by the frisbee the next day. then went to sapporo avec ma mere et nous avons dine. ouais. then jon luke's mom did my hair.. part of the raffle. and put in a lot of pins and hair spray because i didn't want my hair to fall out. like whheeee... floating away! haha

then dressed up and went to luke's and took pictures and got picked up by the car. went to pick up ally and kyle, but the driver entered the wrong preble street into the gps and we almost went all the way to portland to come back to so po and then back to portland. but i caught it on time! ^^

then took a few more photos and went to eastland.

i have so much make up it's not even funny. haha.

cheerio!

tadumm!

2009-05-13T19:30:00.002-04:00

i can't for this saturday! prom! whoo!
i committed a pretty huge crime for myself today. i don't know why i said those things, you know? i want to just blow it off my mind, but it just keeps haunting me. i really don't want this to be something i have to worry about.

i'm trying to do a lab report and my two scholorship applications right now. and.. it's not going too well. well, i have half a paragraph for one of my scholarships and i have just the title of my lab report. whoo!

oh, you want to hear the most excellent news? actually, it's not the most excellent, but it's pretty great. i won the key club raffle! oh my. my estimate of the total value of my winnning package is about $500. prom is so costly. anyway, i'm really pumped.

i need to finish my lab report first. aww man.

so ap exams are OVER. yes. i'm done with school! ap french was.. eh, ok. ap calc.. was eh. wasn't expecting to be able to do anything in the first place. ap lit, a little better than i thought i would be. and ap physics.. wtf. alright. the mcq wasn't bad, but the free response was like.. murder.

well. i'm glad that's all done.

cheerio!

:D

2009-04-30T21:50:00.002-04:00

Oh, Lady Be Good - New York Voices

i have made the decision! i choose you UVM! why? it's a great place for medical education! and.. i feel really appreciated there. dood! i'm going to college! woot! yeah! I AM GOING TO BE A DOCTOR! :D

today was a pretty good day. found another scholarship which has a deadline of may 15. so yea. had early tennis practice, then calc review sesh and finally SPRING JAZZ. it was much better music than plain old jazz band ii. it was slightly harder, but more fun to play!

cheerio!

dance

2009-04-16T20:19:00.002-04:00

I have good news and i have some tragic news.

the good news is that compared to last year, i'm much better at tennis. or at least i'd like to think so. i mean, i'm still not awesome at tennis, but i am at least mediaocre instead of plain sucky. i was so close to winning fielder today. oh man. could've won those pink balls. they should come up with rainbow balls or something. haha. that would be cool. i remember playing a horrible game of tennis with that skiing dood (i've changed my outlook. so they're not idiots anymore)
, and he was saying how it's horrible that the balls are the same colour as the court, because they can blend in. which actually doesnt really happen..

well, the sad news is that andy gerke, my marching band's drill staff, was in a "fatal car accident". and by these quotations, i mean, i have read this same description everywhere. i never really got to know him, but here are my thoughts of him.

my first year of marching band, when he first appeared in front of me as we were about to begin our runthrough of wicked, during our band camp week, i was stunned for a moment. within that nano second, i thought he was a cute dood, but just that. and my stunned look is nothing special for a person like me at that time, because i was a sophmore. a lil' insecure sophmore.

then this year at band camp, he cut his hair, spiked it and whenever he walked he looked like an alligator. (:

i have to say, if he hadn't already graduated from college and wasn't as old as he was, i would definetely had a huge crush on him or something. well nothing major. because i was still in that idiot phase.

when i heard the news of the car accident on tuesday, i was shocked, just as everyone else. i was sad, but more sad for all my friends around me. and then i thought of how precious life is. i already know it's precious, but it was awakening. and i dont know what to say. i didn't know how to feel, and i still dont know. it's hard to describe. all i can say is, always put on your seat belt.

i don't want to end on a sad note. so here's something nice. i'm going to prom with luke.

going to visit andy tomorrow afternoon and on saturday some of the band is playing at fort williams.

cheerio!

I HAVE A COLLEGE DILEMNA! :D

2009-04-08T22:04:00.002-04:00

northeastern or uvm?

i am so happy. :D :D :D

i am having a good day

2009-04-08T19:27:00.002-04:00

this movie is so cute! not this movie as this clip from youtube. well yeah, this is cute, but the actually movie itself is much much cuter! and sweet and cheesy like macn'cheese! good comfort food for your lazy ass mind okay.

i am really having a good day today. first, i pretty much didnt have school today because i went to see trying at the portland stage company with my english class. i'll try to make this as short as possible - we waited at a bus stop for an hour because of budget cuts and no more buses for field trips. got there. the play was pretty good. i fell asleep in the last half hour though. oh and this yarmouth kid kept yelling fire whenever the phone rang, which was really irritating. middle school.. pfft. what do they know? and another kid, middle schooler, was shocked at a quote by ee cummings with fuck. but it was an awesome trip. waiting for buses in the cold wind is so much fun.

second brilliant news - i'm playing better tennis! had a scrimmage against cape eliz. today. and.. even though i didnt win, i did pretty much the best i could do. but i dont like my partner. in short, she's unethical. i lost 3-6

the third great news, best for last, i got accepted into northeastern! whoo! the wait was killing me. keeeellinngg me! i pretty much thought i was rejected! whoo! i don't know if i got that fullpaid scholarship though. :/

but i'm just too happy about my acceptance! and i'm so out of focus right now. i need to.. do something. i need to write that overdue essay for furb. gah. and i'm worried about my calc grade. because uhh, i dont want to be kicked out of my acceptances to college. (:

and one last thing, florida picture! MIKE WAZOWSKI:

i look so lame.

cheerio!
FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS

forever in the rain

2009-04-05T12:24:00.002-04:00

usan - 에픽하Epik High ft. Younha

i dont know how to describe how i feel right now
i am happy
i am worried
i am enjoying the sun
and the incoming air of spring
but i have an essay
an overdue essay
and the quarter ended on friday.
it feels like dooms day.
i feel lopsided.
heavy on my right
light on my left
tennis time

cheerio!

upty up

2009-03-28T07:16:00.002-04:00

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

it's been more than a month. i decided that i had to update this thing before march is over so that i have at least a history of each month on this blog.

so what have i been up to? well, of the eight/nine colleges i applied to, i've heard back from three. umo - accepted, uvm - accepted, smith - waitlisted. and i'm still waiting to hear more. my guess is that i'm going to be rejected from northeastern, but who knows. and.. i really want to get into bu.

and whatelse have i been up to? there was disney and jazz fest and.. horrible chem and sleepy calc. where should being? FLORIDA!

it was awesome. i still miss it. the water was horrible. every morning, the reason why i dreaded getting out of my bed was because everytime i rinsed my mouth after brushing my teeth, i wanted to puke. why cant all water taste like maine water? i like maine water.. it tastes like singapore water. i never noticed the difference between either of them in the first place.

let's relive that wonderful vacation

day one
as hard as i tried, i didnt sleep and went to the jetport at 4. waited at the check-in, plane, ear popping, pain. flew to baltimore. called my bro and told him i was so near virginia. plane, even more pain. orlando. changed into shorts and flipflops. eric, the tour guide!

coach bus, air conditioned, ahh. epcot brochure. meal card. park pass. little blue pouch thing. arrival at EPCOT! big golf ball looking globey thing. mexico. ooh! i have a funny story of something that happened at mexico: jalana's vegetarian. and the burrito at the stall in mexico comes with beef. so she tells the lady no beef. the lady puts it on the receipt, NO BEEF. ladeeda lala, she gets her burrito, and takes a bite. CHOMP. oh what's this? "oh, it's ALL BEEF."

and, "what does it say on my receipt? oh, it's even in caps" NO BEEF. hahaha. that's mexico for you. at epcot.

so went round epcot. england, japan, china, germany, switzerland, africa, america and lastly ending up at italy to do our clinic. which wasnt as spectacular as i thought it'd be. it was in this trailer kind of building.. you know. i was expecting some.. more concrete kind of recording studio. but whatever. we played tarzan.. fun. and recorded it onto a tarzan clip. also fun. but.. still a little let down. whatever again. then FIREWORKS :D me likey. went to the hotel, ahh... and slept on an empty tummy.

day 2
what did we do? i dont really remember. we.. played at downtown disney i think. yeah. and i saw this place called.. buil-a-dino! haha and totally thought of angela and rachel at build-a-bear ((:

playing was fun. saw mrs crocker, oh and get this, mr crocker. and you want to know what the sad thing was? they were sitting so far apart from each other. mrs crocker talking with an empty seat next to hear and mr crocker sitting alone, in a different section. i will say nothing more.

and can i say that i love olympida? it was so epic because it was sorta raining at the same time! after playing, we went to animal kingdom. splash splash puddle, wet leah, wet shorts, wet feet. pizzafari!.. where i ate a kid meal of spaghetti, because it was more worth it than the non kiddy meal! and i wasnt feeling very pizza-y. then i went on this safari tour on the SIMBA ONE! "simba one, do you read me? over." let's save the baby elephant from poachers!

then splash splash on some wet ride that got me pumped with adrenaline for the highlight of my trip.. the first time i went on a rollercoaster in more than.. 10 years! EVEREST. i think i made it more scary for myself because i closed my eyes and when i do that, it just creates more fear because i dont know where i'm going. so i hated that ride. the drizzly day was pretty much perfect for animal kingdom and its jungle atmosphere.
then off to hollywood studios aka mgm, to watch jazz. everybody took pictures of the giant magician hat and the old 20s-30s style hollywood buildings with the dreamy background of the evening sky (i still havent been able to upload pictures, yeah). some little building in the corner, jazz. sat in the the last row, up top. famous trumpeter with awesome cuban accent played fenomously, better than wayne begeron. legit. started bopping around in the our last row with elizabeth and katie and clancy. jazzing out. electric air intrument thing. cool. barbecue at the hotel. jamie lied about not being able to mini golf with me. played with lucas, colin and ill kyo, even though the lady said it was closed for the night (it was because they ran out of balls).

day 3
got up early to play put put aka mini golf with sarcastic eric and colin. ate breakfast first. splash waded in the pool after put put. ate 2nd breakfast. bus to magic kingdom! -.- overrated. i hated that place the most. it was where i was the moodiest. everywhere i went i saw little kids screaming and crying because their parents wouldnt buy things they wanted. spoilt brats.

i missed the first monorail to magic kingdom though. the first took off with most of the band and all the chaperons. but in the end we were all safe with our pictures in front of the castle. then lost leah, jalana and kaiya because i went to talk with colin. found leah, split up with colin wanting to go to space mountain and me being too petrified. got fast pass to.. something mountain, with the mining and yeah. pirates ride while we waited. passed by the smoking section (first part that annoyed me). then mountain ride! the next highlight of my vacation! the first rollercoaster i actually liked! WOAH.. then splash mountain! and as we walked round and round we passed by the same smoking section! and saw little kids standing with their parents, waiting for them to be done with their cigs! and then hi baxter's mom! who doesnt smoke.. she was getting fries (:

then pirates again and i was starting to get a little annoyed with leah's impatience (2nd thing). but i didnt let it show. then food at some place in tomorrowland. space mountain fast pass. tom sawyer ride island. parade passed by, with high school musical-esque sound. got petrified of space mountain as the time came nearer.

leah, jalana and kaiya went on without me, while i watched another spoilt brat nag her mother to buy her a chipmunk hat. mom says no. dad's like whatev. child cries. screams. mom says fine. talks to dad. some sales problem. mom and dad talk to sales personal. little girl plays around on a stone bench or on a bush branch or something. falls. cries again.

leah, jalana and kaiya are back! find jamie, ally and kyle. go on the tram thing around tomorrowland. whoowee! find dinner at some hotdog place. see meg there too. dont know when to meet at the exit. something about watching fireworks together. jalana and i go to the exit together. lost jamie and others. see no sopo people. head to the castle. find jamie, leah and kaiya. find colin and rachel. jamie, jalana, leah and kaiya go get ice cream. split with colin and rachel. get pushed around, because disney workers tell us go in front of the rope to watch the parade, BUT NO FREAKING PERSON LET US IN.. "oh, my husband's here" pfft.

disney man: please move along and find another spot.
rachel: but i waiting for my boyfriend
disney man: really?
rachel: yes, prince charming!

we were so pissed man. find space finally. watch a light show flash parade of disney people. then fireworks. it was so funny. as we walked through the crowds we were holding hands like little kids because we didnt want to lose the only sopo people that we were. (:

day 4
downtown disney. annoyed with leah yesterday, went with molly to a kodak store to buy a battery for her camera. then window shopped. snow globes (: and HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. saw the cartoon glove i was debating to buy. split a pair with molly. gobbled a statue bust of walt disney. jazz ensemble played. high school musical again. more window shopping? frozen coke. narnia. star wars. stuff.. high school musical. every hour on the hour. ate lunch and got three cups of coke for the price of one, because of the free refill place. so mary ann bought a cup and i borrowed it to pour coke into my empty water bottle. indiana jones. my favourite day. bought a plushie, my ball of joy, a round baby mickey. so cute! colin said it was so throwable.. -.-

back to jazz and we were the underdogs. skeff shook hands with mickey!

day 5
woke up. breakfast. wanted to play put put with colin, but decided packing was more important. waded in the heated pool with kaylee. played lotr pinball. raced with colin. didnt play put put. checked out. downtown disney. spent all meal card money, but three dollars. listened to we the kings at virgin music store. good buy tour guide eric! plane. good buy florida! and your chlorinated water!

i really miss it.. disney. not the water.

jazz fest was pretty awesome. besides our out of no where judge scored us an 84. i worked as a judge runner too, after playing. which i have to say was the best job for me. no cranky bands to guide. listened to jazz all day. fun.

yeah! i'm proud of myself. i managed to actually update with a long post.
cheerio!

gliss

2009-02-17T18:18:00.002-05:00

i am leaving for florida in less than 12 hours!! :D
disney world!
traveling without my mom!
for the first time!

i have so much to update. i've really been bad. i mean, i've even put off my profile till now. i still have six qns left to answer on it. and its already late. i really hope this doesnt destroy my chances of getting a good financial packet when (if) i get into northeastern, or bu or smith... i'm horrible. horrible horrible child. i dont understand how i've become so bad. i need to stop.

i need to stop playing games. i need to stop pondering on sily things. i need to stay focused on what i really want.

oh and did i tell you? i got into uvm!.. and umo! two colleges want me! :D

its better than nowhere. see. i havent blogged in so long that i dont even know if i've written this.

other good news... JIE WROTE TO ME!
jie! i miss you so much! i wish.. you could just tell me whats going on right now! why is it that you cant send me a message? i really hope that you're not in the same horrible shoes as me..

musical is over. hello dolly was fun! i miss it. but right now i'm more in the mood for DISNEY WORLD!

i wish that the previous musicals were more pit friendly. well, i'm glad to have at least had a year of this expreience (the wonderful experience of playing six and seven sharps and flats!)

well here's something to leave you with:

that would leave us enough to see the whale!

2009-02-07T10:09:00.003-05:00

DOOD! i have the most brilliant news that will be the sweetest sound in your ears, besides God...

I'M GOING TO COLLEGE!

that's right. i got accepted into uvm. now, though uvm may not be my first choice, at least i'm going somewhere!.. somewhere good!.. or decently good. its better than umo. umo has not much of a medical program, you know what i mean. so yeah.

i'm so pumped!.. florida is less than two weeks away! hello warm sunny days! (please dont rain!)

i've been at school all week from 7.30-10 (14.5 hours x 5). whoo! i love school.. not. it's because of musical. i'm in the pit band you see and well.. i'm not that great. yesterday was opening night. and in the second act, after the first two songs, my saxophone broke! or something!.. i tried to play E and F in either octaves.. BUT THEY WOULDNT COME OUT!.. and when i tried to belt it out, it squawked! o.O

so today in our jazz fest, if my sax remains screwed up, i'll see skeff.. hopefully, i wont have to sit out of jazz. that really would suck, because i love playing that sax.

well, that was my (monthly) blog update! i'll try to update more often. cheerio!

little darlin'

2009-01-14T22:35:00.002-05:00

remember f4? well, i do! hahaha

oh man. i miss meteorgarden. probably the best idol drama i've ever seen. very cliche but so good and cheesy. fromagey :D

its like eatting mac&cheese.

dood. i need to get rid of all these distractions and get down to writing my english essay. i dont know what to do. i know what to say actually.

where did all my determination go?? its like it suddenly left me. i dont know. i cant explain it. maybe i've been giving into my desire to just lay in bed all day, for too long.

ok. enough of dao ming si and off i go to write about a poem about death. whoo!

cheerio!

i want to spontaneously combust

2009-01-13T05:05:00.002-05:00

Nocturne in E flat major, Op.9 No.2 - Chopin

i really dont know what has been wrong with me lately. i feel so... dead.
i totally blew off gwu last week and dont know why and i have so many things i need to do. its too overwhelming. i dont even know where to begin. i really need to prioritize.

okay. so. i dont know what i'm getting in ap lit and calc.. and eughh. i've always put ap physics first. anyway. here's a list of things i need to do:

- app fee waiver forms
-smith college and northeastern app
-ap lit essay
-homework as of right now: marine bio key thing, calc, physics, chem lab report
-practice for pit band.

want to see what i have to do today after school?
2-2.30/3: furb
3-4: usm transcript and whatnot
4.30-6: calc review session..
then home for homework!..

the past week and a half all i have been doing in sitting around. staring at this screen as music blasts into my ears. if not that, then i'm staring at some other much larger screen where i eat some soup and watch pride&prejudice or the devil wears prada or something. ._.

ok.
back on track..
marine bio.
then fake ap calc.

totally wasted 15 minutes here. ugh. why? so fustrating. but i had to.
%@#&*!

cheerio!
i cant wait for floooriidaaaa

i've been so blind

2009-01-03T10:59:00.002-05:00

Politik - Cold Play

after 48 hours, i am exhausted, sad and tired. i've lost weight.. estimate about 3-5 lbs and probably dont want to ever talk about college applications ever again. not at least till next week when gwu is due

i'm tired and sad.
i'm so stupid
i want to cry.
i've been so blind
i really want to do it
but i cant
my heart cant take it.
goodbye chicago

dood! i had such a good essay! and a good supplement main essay too! i just.. i cant do it. i had such a good chance, especially after my brother pushed me into my mind where i wrote such a good essay that can stand out! agh..

maybe.. next year. if i dont like whereever i'm going to. i think i have a good chance to get into bu and northeastern. sigh.

bring it all back

2008-12-25T00:29:00.004-05:00

i wonder if i'm just thinking about this too much, in the wrong way. i'm sitting here, worrying that i'm going to type something that will sound just like every other applicant who would end up being rejected. maybe, i need a new outlook. i really must believe in myself more. i would really like to go to uchicago. more than anywhere else. but you see, i'm worried. i'm worried about my writing voice. its lost you see. i dont know where it is. basically what you are hearing right now is your own voice.. and imagining mine, which is actually an insecure, unassured voice.

where am i? well.. "live the question." - what question? the question of the meaning life? well, that's one question i'm living. if you write an essay where the college is able to identify your insecurities with others, is that a bad thing? i mean, everyone can't be absolutely comfortable with the world can they?

what do the colleges want to hear? they want to know who i am. what do i want to tell these colleges?.. that i am an extraordinary person, just like everyone else. i don't have to be particularly special do i? afterall, everyone is special in their own way.

here i am, sitting, depressed that i might not get into the college, like a fear that i won't get to experience the great collegiate life. but then i think of the other wonderful people i know, who truly do not have a chance to experience college at all.. i find greater sadness.

though she's rather obnoxious sometimes, i cant blame her. it's her poor background. i realize tht may sound pretty prejudice, but its true. if not for her background, financial state, and probably laziness too, she would get into college. i guess thats what differentiates people from one another. compared to my brother, i'm really lazy. come on, i even hated reading in one point of my life. well, he's pretty damn lazy too. he absolutely hates doing chores and therefore never did any in this house. but then again, who doesnt hate cleaning? right?

the other day as i was waiting for mrs sturm in guidance, i overheard one of my friend's talking to mr bradford. they were talking about how she didn't know where she could go to college.

man. i could just say, "at least i'm going to umo" but i want something more! much more! i dont know how to express it! i want to be in a place that can accomodate to my every need! - like uva!

they're libraries are open 24/7! if i need to find something urgently, i'll know where to go!
___________________

oh man. i just had a conversation with my brother about how depressed i feel about this world. its not so much like a suicidal/harm myself depression, but a man-i-wish-people-knew-their-worth kind. you know what i mean?

i dont think he even realized that i teared up as we were chatting. i hope he realizes how much i appreciate his opinions.

merry christmas peeps!

cheerio!

the starry night

2008-12-23T20:42:00.002-05:00

If I could only put all this into words. there's so many things going on in my head. Sometimes I feel like one of these lines, lost with a million others. the only way to be seen is by the chance that i catch someone's eye. oh how lucky i would be. oh how lucky would he be.

its times like this, like when i'm doing my college essay, that i wish someone could just read my mind. i give them my brain. one look and they'll understand. you know what i mean? probably not.

back to this picture. the story behind it:

one day in chem, last thursday to be exact, ms macvane was going over our chem homework from the textbook, about electron configurations. originally i had sketched an open book. and i drew lines in all directions to draw the pages, flipping throught the book. line after line, i drew, and soon i realized that the binding center of the book looked just like a sun, setting in the evening sky. at the same time, the painting of the starry night had been in my head all morning, so immediately i thought, man, i could really make something out of this. but it was orginally meant to look like a book. there were too many lines. i had to start all over.

and this is what came out of it!

i guess you could say its my impression of the post impression, the starry night, by van gogh.

i just watched the pianist and i'm very shakey right now. and my mom came home an hour ago and told me that she had a car accident, which unsettled me even more.

life is so sweet sometimes.

cheerio!
i might have a fever too

chem shem hem em m.. &m

2008-12-18T14:05:00.002-05:00

life is..

alright i suppose. its copable. still stressed out. i really need to get deeper into my essay. you know what i mean? sigh

had my very pit band rehearsal yesterday. so confusing.. so many books to look at.

i'm sleeping when i get home. my belly feels like its burning. speaking of which, we burned stuff in chem today..

dood, i really like physics. its so cool. rocket science man. (:

so my college essay is about this moment i had with someone at shaw's and how i felt then, that i was naive to smile when actually i was being naive to think such an idea. i was so foolish. you know? i still am quite foolish now, i have to admit, but i'm thankful that i've grown. i feel so old. i really cant wait for florida to happen because by then i'll done with college application. the stress is just so.. its quite intolerable. i can tolerate it, but there are just some moments when i get stuck

this is when i am thankful that chem is so easy for me. i dont know why. i expected it to be so much harder. i really wonder if its because its just ms macvane (if having fink would be harder) or if its because honors chem is more junior year focused.

physics is much more stimulating.

do you ever wonder what your future is like? like how does it look like in your head? is it like a movie? is it made of snapshots and poloroids? mine's like a painting, especially that further i get.

oh yeah, i drew something in chem today. but i cant scan it on here. so i'll do it someother time.

cheerio!

you're like a drug

2008-12-16T17:08:00.002-05:00

Come Back - Atonement Soundtrack

i dont know where this is taking me. i want to start all over from scratch, but yet i dont want to throw that amazing introduction away. i dont know what else to say. there are many many things. but i just cant put into words. this is the time when i wish people could just read my mind and go "ah.. i see!"

if i could put my brain splat, right down on that paper. "there you go. you understand right?"

oh man.

relief?

2008-12-15T16:03:00.002-05:00

i practically broke down last night... well, not practically. I really did. hard core tears and sniffing in my stuffed nose. it was more like at one in the morning though. same thing.

oh man. never will i ever break down like that ever again. college man. mr furbush gave the class this handout on suicide rates and i was like oh great. my face clearly looks like i had a teary night and now people might think i'm suicidal. not really. i just thought it to be a coincidence.

it's a pretty sad world. but i have to look on the brightside and be optimistic because i cannot be bothered to breakdown right now.

i really hope that i get that scholorship for northeastern. it would relieve such a burden. imagine, four years of free tuition. that's more than $100 000! if not, i really want to go to uchicago.

and then there's uva. its a beautiful school. the last of my top three choices, but still, in my top three.

i dont have much to say today. i am preoccupied with a lot of things, but i really want to submit this darn supplement to connecticut college before its too late, you know.

i had jazz band today!.. and i have concert band tomorrow! yeah. and i have pit rehearsal on wed! and i have my french final tomorrow! whoo! i need to call hannah tonight or something.

cheerio!

hey there!

2008-12-14T20:35:00.002-05:00

i am a big friggin mess.

but i'm cleaning myself up.
slowly

good bye gunk.

cheerio!

sleep deprived

2008-12-09T19:42:00.002-05:00

Zhi Zhan Zhi Shang - Jay Chou

i feel like there's only so much that i can do right now
and i hate it
i wish i could do everything
i wish to be a super girl
i wish things would right into place
the way i like it
i wish for this agony to go away
i wish i wasnt living in desperation
i hate this feeling
this struggle for life
i hate feeling like i cannot do anymore
time and time again
i'm bounded
by time
i hate this depression
i just want to get out of this hole
it's a far worse hole
than those silly previous relations
its a deep valley
all i have is you God.

SNOW!!

2008-12-07T14:54:00.004-05:00

yesterday i volunteered at south portland bingo!.. well technically its not volunteer work since i'm going to receive money in some sort of manner.. a hundred dollars to be exact. isnt that amazing? its more than minimum wage. if i worked that job everyday, i'd have a monthly income of $3000.. dood, i'd be fricken happy.. annual salary would be $36 000. and i must say, that isnt too bad right? unfortunately it was only one day.

another unfortunate thing, my florida trip money basically came from feeding off of poor people. watching those people spend an average of more than $20 per person was real sad. its like these people are trapped and consumed by gambling. it was like watching zombies. these people had no control of themselves. well they did stand for awhile contemplating the right decision, but in the end chose the wrong one: TAKING THE GAMBLE.

it was pretty depressing. i know that the music boosters get a lot, and probably most of the funds from bingo nights, but i secretly wished people wouldnt buy anything from me last night. i know its might used to buy instruments and pay for florida and other cool stuff for band, but it just feels wrong that to feed the poor, we feed off the poor.. well their foolishness. its like social darwinism. survival of the fittest. the foolish die.. like dodo birds. its sad, terribly sad.

if only there were better ways of raising funds.

seriously, i wish those people i saw last night who are need of cash and are just throwing it all away, will see the light and stop. because they just sit there unhappy.. moaning. why dont they just stop?? whats wrong with them?? why cant they find better things to do? or go and actually live life doing things they love not moan!?

more than 50% of those people playing bingo looked exhausted.. WHY NOT SLEEP?!!

i'd rather sleep than gamble.. and there's nothing exhilarating about bingo gambling anyways. you wanna know whats exhilarating? gambling your life by sky diving. there you go. theres a gamble.

of course i couldnt say any of this while i worked last night or i'd probably get pummeled.

so i had a band concert on thursday.. right after french class! and i was extremely nervous because of my solo in cold duck time. i has always rushed during rehearsal. i wrote all over my paper "GO SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW... ER." and "relax" and "BE COOL" yeah.. hah.

i think it was probably the worst performance i'd ever seen from the concert band in my four years of high school. someone on the end playing tenor, was playing that slow quarter notes in the middle of prairie dances so wrong. he'd tongue the first note of a sequence of eight slurred notes so hard that it just sounded wrong and gave easy access for rushing, you know what i mean? like dood... CALM DOWN.

it was the messiest band concert i've ever played.

oh and i have more exciting news! so yesterday i earned a hundred bucks toward my florida trip right? and my mom sold my raffle tickets for me, which is another hundred, and now i only need to $90!.. unless i'm able to sell more raffle tickets, then less than 90!! whoo!
so guilty. so guilty... at least raffles arent as bad as bingo.

it also makes me wonder, how many people in this world are actually do things they absolutely love for a living? you know?

how many people in this world dont have huge complaints for their job?

or how many people are out there embracing life?.. like, feeling the majesty of the mountains or the beat of the music, or the textures of the world around!

i swear, i have to be living life, even now as a student. so many people in this world are wasting the opportunity given to them to live. its terrible.

so many people are wasting their lives doing pointless things to give other people an opportunity to live.. like gambling.. when your family at home could be starving, or when there are people in guatamala and haiti who are illiterate.

on other news, french v is having a reunion!.. on the 22nd.. the same day there's jazz band rehearsal and i might not be able to go. ):
someones getting their wisdom teeth out and he'd probably rather rest than go to the reunion and i'd probably end up not seeing him at all. so.. i might go still. and then at 2.11 i'd rush down to the band room.. thats what i'm playing. i hope jazz band starts late that day.. or better yet, no rehearsal because skeff will go off to do something.. like a doctor's appointment or something!

oh man. thats probably the teeniest problem in my life right now.

cheerio!

tell me more

2008-11-25T19:06:00.001-05:00

i sit here on this chair completely lost in thought.

oh man. what happened to those days when i loved doing this? when i couldn't live without all this. everything seems so far away and i hate this feeling of depression. i really wish for it to all go away. i really wish i was that "perfect girl, in the perfect neighbour hood".. haha. ally's video was hilarious.

i'm so tired. and exhausted. mentally. i'm physically fine. but my mind seems to have a turn for the worse. it wants to die?? no! i refuse.

i had a pretty exciting weekend. you wanna know what happened? well, on friday, i almost died. i hanged out with ally, angela, jon and shelby and we rented young frankenstein and watched it in the cold, empty church, in the dark. and then we watched some bunny animated films that were 30 second clips of real films, like star wars, pirates, bond, raiders of the lost ark, snakes on the plane and many more! whoo! when we were finally tired of freezing our buts off, we decided to go to get some food!.. at wendy's! since they sell chili!.. which none of us ended up getting. but anyway, we order our food and sit down to enjoy our meal and laughter together.

before you know, jon does something so hilarious, well not very actually, that i start laughing as i eat a chicken nugget, which ends up falling down my wind pipe and i'm left gasping for air "i cant breathe!"

so i almost died that day, if jon had not done the heimlich manuever, which was embarrassing. oh man. and then the five of us sat there in awkwardly intense silence.. when rachel madore called!

sunday was pretty exciting too! there was the marching band banquet! and i probably spent three hours on some vegetable dish that no one ended up eatting.. because i dont know. i also dont know whether or not anyone eat it, but let's just assume no one did.

anyway, there was alot of mac and cheese and pasta and such. and whoo! i love banquets! its like free food! and whoo! awards!.. even though i just got a senior plaque! but heck! i'm a senior! whoo! college applications! and essays that i freaking owe mr furbush!

i'm going to die in that class. and that class is going to kill my gpa. and colleges are all probably going to reject me..

you see! this is what i mean. where did everything all go? i used to be so optimistic. and now i'm sitting here in dismay and weariness.

my precious mind is melting away before my very eyes and should be able to do something about it, but i cant seem to budge. what evil is holding such a tight grip on me. let me go!

i pretty much suck at cite reading. hah. i knew that long ago.

i'm sorry for such an emo post. i told myself i would never be so and here i am.

on some other news...

today, a half day, the school experienced a fantastic time of chaos, the wonderful gift of blackouts and flickering lights and computers. whoo!

i was in calc and meg spotted some blue flash off in the distance and flicker went the lights and before you know it, it was all darkness, except for some light that shown through the clouds and the windows.

the school ended up letting us out an hour earlier than the not so average half day and joy spread throughout the halls! and i went over to allys because i left my house key at home. and we created a short animated film!.. in one and a half hours! whoo!

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=41033086005

cheerio!
gobblegobble

so fetch

2008-11-16T18:19:00.002-05:00

well far from the depressing world of ap lit, LOVE ACTUALLY IS PLAYING ON BRAVO ON FRIDAY! woot!

tata now... hah. that was so short. yeah. pretty much the only thing going on in my mind.

alright. you know what? i'm going to stop denying this growing hatred for writing and just scream it out onto your blank face you stupid piece of paper... I HATE WRITING.. which makes me blogging so hypocritcal doesnt it? well you know what? i like blogging about random crap shoot nonsense.

oh my goodness. all this showcases my insanity. complete insanity. no good. no good. grr. roar. rawr. grawl. growl. hoot hoot. shouts the owl.

therapy! *cough*

cheerio!

here i go again on my own

2008-11-16T17:18:00.004-05:00

Rain - Park Hye Kyung

i cannot think. i cannot think... why cant i think??

what the freakin hell is taking me so long to write a paper. i'm gonna fail college like this. this is horrible. and i need to stop complaining because its all going downhill, worse than nowhere.

ugh.. i dont know. it feels so.. everything. you know. strangling. i feel strangled.. like i'm being hanged and i'm gasping for air. this is no emo post at all! i dont want to die.. which is the opposite of emo.. hah. but my nickname is emo. but this is going off topic. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY. i refuse to believe that i'm turning into an airhead. what the heck. nononononononoNO!

well the thing is.. its just that critique essay. it just doesnt make sense at all. why call it a critique essay if its going to end up talking about something else 5 million miles off topic?? huh?? how can it not be so when he wants an idea that was not from the movie??? what does he mean exactly when he calls it critique? pshh! its not even critique at all! its more like a.... i dont know what you'd call.. thesis paper? no.

i need to stop. because i'm really fustrated. and i dont enjoy losing my faith. cheerio!

gridlocked

2008-11-11T20:02:00.004-05:00

i wonder if its wrong that i just start typing straight away without focus. none at all. point blank stare at the screen and yak on and on about who knows what. that's exactly what i'm doing right now with that damn critique assignment.. and i guess with my college essay as well. seriously. i dont know where i'm going with all this. confused is exactly what i am. i really dont know what exactly i want to tel colleges about me. oh man. please dont see this like i'm not prepared for college.

i am so ready for college! i cant wait to put myself out there! oh my goodness. what am i going to do?? freaking out again. breathe.

today is veterans day and that also means, veterans day parade! whoo! marching and then waiting for some old doods to stop talking so that you can go on a warm bus and head home where you prepare for an awesome french class that you wish would follow the normal assignment of holidays AND NOT HAVE TO BE THERE.

well, french class wasnt all too terribly. it was actually pretty darn good. just that i had trouble crawling myself out of bed to discuss ideas for my french oral on thursday with hannah.. miles away, across a bridge that replaced a million dollar bridge, and whoo! now we know what we're going to say. i must sound sarcastic, but i am happy that we had a productive discussion.

i'm really sad though, that i'm no longer going to play indiana jones with the awesome marchingband. and no more drills and sigh... this season felt so so so so so so so so so so oh so very short. its all those rainy days and bloody sats and acts and college prep stuff that i just wish would all go away POOF! and everything is done and i can go to college. no, i understand. maybe.

my brain...

its gridlocked? jammed. i'm just blabbering away now. and cheerio!
i'm jogging tomorrow

i clearly remember more than this

2008-11-10T20:36:00.003-05:00

i need to stop complaining and just write something. but.. nevermind

jazz band started today! whoo! the hundreds of trombones have transformed into the millions of saxophones. woah! yeah. maybe we'll get more melody than the trumpets do this year! i really really really really hope we'll done tons more better this year than last year.

essay? what essay? ah yes. i watched the changling on saturday. it was.. long. it was pretty good. real dramatic.. the beginning was ultra boring. but there were some moments that had me off the the edge of my seat. and there were some parts where i felt like walking out and far far away because i couldnt get any sense of the situation going anywhere. i often got tired of hearing angelina jolie screaming.. "HE IS NOT MY SON!!" and then dun dun dun! surprise! the murder of 20 or more juveniles!

that woman next to me kept kept gasping like she was watching some sort of horror movie and kept freaking me out! like relax lady! relax!

i'm serious. i dont mean to complain, but i really dont know how to start! i dont know how to edit my college essay either. i feel like i should throw away what i've written.. yet no. you know what i mean? i dont think so. how should i put this.. i'm too lazy...? yeah. i deny any such idea.

cheerio!
sudoku it is then!