jabberwocky / Monday, September 15, 2008
bonjour mes amis!
so i'm in study hall right now.. aka senior privilege but i'm not playing tennis. it seems like skeff maybe pissed at me or something.. or maybe he's just stressed out. i dont know. i hope he isnt mad with me or anything because everytime during study hall i always walk in and out of the band room because i keep changing my mind of what i want to do. i've stopped playing tennis during my block off so.. i dont know. i might just die.
i called my bro this morning... alright. i really need to type up something meaningful. college essays are due in three months! three months!.. yes, they'll fly by just like that! i dont know. i have some ideas of what i want to write, but i dont know how to put them together, you know what i mean? atrocious.
i'm stuck. should i drop ap english and move to lundington's class? because i want to discuss ideas and such but i dont know. switching would waste all that hardwork i spent reading malcolm x and doing that reading log. all this is actually not the meanigful things i wanted to say.
i think my mind's really slow. i want to focus on something.. but i always, always go off point. which is terrible. because essays. i need to focus on my main point. i always just miss the bigger picutre. what is the bigger picture. ugh. its so fustrating. i think if i drop out of ap eng i'm telling God that i dont trust him. because i prayed so hard to improve my writing. and by dropping out, i'm basically not going to take that ap lit exam and therefore, the lack of trust that i will do well because i dont even want to try at all.
whats also fustrating is that many a times i land myself at a dead end. where do i go from where i left off?? HOW DO I EVEN DO AN INTRODUCTION. oh my goodness.. this is absolutely horrid. i am disdgusted with myself. why cant i write? whats wrong with me? i am not a total loser. i just cant figure it out! i'm realizing that thinking about all this may actually make me panic worse than last year.. BUT I AM FREAKING OUT.
this sucks. okay.
i dont know if i should go back to the band room because right now i'm just sitting here in the library. staring at my words and having a mental panic attack.
my brain cant breathe!!this is not good. not good at all. i cant even talk myself out of this.
i want to play tennis. i hope band goes well. marching band is wierd this year. even though its just my second year. its wierd. i hope it goes well.(:
cheerio!
/Hopped!
8:12 AM
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