college essay thoughts / Sunday, October 26, 2008
okay. i know i will feel much better after saying this. i have finally pinpointed what impact i received from my cold experience. oh no, i hope i havent lost it.. okay:
i'm a very trusting person. and from that experience, i knew i had couldn't be so trusting, but i still am, yet more alert. so hopefully colleges will see that i am a trustworthy and should be a chosen applicant.
yes? am i wrong? oh man. that sounded quite egoistical. well. cheerio then.
/Hopped!
8:08 PM
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my most horrible habit in the world /
okay. i think i know where i'm going wrong now. i'm analyzing myself too much. maybe i'm just thinking about what i'm doing too much. maybe i'm thinking about doing the wrong things too much. maybe, i'm thinking about myself too much!
i need to stop it. just stop it! STOP.
breathe.
yeah. exactly. here's where blogging has a negative effect. ITS ALL ABOUT ME.
stop it.
/Hopped!
7:29 PM
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its seems like i've lost all joy and hope for blogging right? its like the passion for it... went away.
it was stolen. how could i allow such a thing? fear.
how could i allow such a thing?
all my thoughts are dispersed, unorganized, thrown everywhere. if only you could understand. if only i could understand myself. hah.
the question that is currentely bugging me deals with college. such a sentence would cause mr furbush to say, "just say it already!!!"
well fine. would colleges ever consider a student who still questions herself? who admits not knowing herself well? or would they prefer a student who speaks of how much she believes she knows herself, inside and out?
my thoughts lie everywhere. splat out like green goo that no one can understand. no one knows of it. it aches me to see myself like this. its creates even more stress. i just wish i could.. you know, write better. its like i'm expecting some sort of miracle to make roots right into my head. skills that just happen to come along and stay. its sort of what i wish some guy would do, you know? not necessarily for me, but also for every woman. well, i also think some woman can be unfaithful. frankly, i wish everyone had more faith in each other.
oh, what caused me to write all this? someone who probably wont even see this. it doesnt matter anyway.. although it aches me. and not someone you would assume it to be. i assume that you assume its some guy whom i've crushed terribly over and am now heartbroken. no. never again.
its amazing how much i can say in one post isnt it? my thoughts are just all over the place. this is probably why i fail at writing. focus. hah. it makes laugh (not too much) that i try to critique my own writing.. but always end up feeling that i've yet to pinpoint the great cause. well, after much denial... i do suck at writing and hate it. i hate writing sometimes. because i cant get it right. and now i'm scared. well, actually, first i was scared. then i was mad and fustrated and agh.. hate.
but yea. focus. i totally suck at that. i just like to spew and not concentrate. how am i going to survive in this world?
and i dont even try to explain my thoughts. like that last question. just try figuring out what i mean by it. i dont feel like explaining. too mad with anguish.
well, this is the most i've written in two days. perhaps that why i'm such a bad writer.. well actually thats false. yesterday i wrote a small essay for the ACT, which, by the way, went pretty darn well. well, i had fear instilled in me. the instructions stated that anyone caught trying to finish bubbling sections of the past would be found dead the next morning. its true. take it for yourself.
marching band, in happier news, was real swell. the bad part, we played for the football game and we lost the battle of the bridges.
you know what? maybe i'm just not being analytical enough. and maybe not brave enough. and maybe not tapping into my mind enough? or maybe i just dont know how to tap into the wonderful and powerful and complex mind! hah! what about that! maybe i need to be taught how to search into myself! and discover my own opinions! RUBBISH. all this trash that i talk about. maybe its just my denial of my studpidity. and yes, i still deny it.
oh it makes so made that i'm so blind to so many things. everytime i'm left wondering.. how the heck did he think of that?!? how the heck did she see that?!! how the friggin hell did i not have any thought of that?!!!!
its stupidity. that's the only way i know how to describe that feeling. that one sentence. i wish i could come up with something more elaborate, but.. i cant tap into my wonderful mind. i'm slow. ah, yes. that's another thing. maybe i'm always looking for one factor and there are a billion.
HOW AM I GOING TO WRITE MY ESSAY.
my fear is that colleges are just going to reject me. i wish someone could write it for me. like i'd just tell him my story, my experience and how i felt and everything, and that person would put it all into words, with beautiful language. its the opposite what colleges are going for.
okay. next thought. if i were to tell them this great experience with my struggle for writing, what would they think of me? agh.
i'm done. i'm tired. i've vented. and i feel deep guilt.
cheerio!
/Hopped!
3:03 PM
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oh yes / Tuesday, October 21, 2008
i realize that i havent blogged for more than a month and well.. who cares?
i have a bunch of essays to write and i'm really scared. and this week.. i dont know, i'm feeling it wont be good. i have to do a lab report, college essay and research for my chem project. i cant wait for january to come. i'll be so relieved. but yet i dont want it to come because, as you know, the sooner it comes, the less time i have to apply to places.
i thought i wanted to blog, but no. i dont. not now.
well, marching band was alright on saturday i guess.. there were a bit of not so great moments, and dover was not a great host.. but that's all i can say for now.
homework!
/Hopped!
4:39 PM
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