i wonder if i'm just thinking about this too much, in the wrong way. i'm sitting here, worrying that i'm going to type something that will sound just like every other applicant who would end up being rejected. maybe, i need a new outlook. i really must believe in myself more. i would really like to go to uchicago. more than anywhere else. but you see, i'm worried. i'm worried about my writing voice. its lost you see. i dont know where it is. basically what you are hearing right now is your own voice.. and imagining mine, which is actually an insecure, unassured voice.
where am i? well.. "live the question." - what question? the question of the meaning life? well, that's one question i'm living. if you write an essay where the college is able to identify your insecurities with others, is that a bad thing? i mean, everyone can't be absolutely comfortable with the world can they?
what do the colleges want to hear? they want to know who i am. what do i want to tell these colleges?.. that i am an extraordinary person, just like everyone else. i don't have to be particularly special do i? afterall, everyone is special in their own way.
here i am, sitting, depressed that i might not get into the college, like a fear that i won't get to experience the great collegiate life. but then i think of the other wonderful people i know, who truly do not have a chance to experience college at all.. i find greater sadness.
though she's rather obnoxious sometimes, i cant blame her. it's her poor background. i realize tht may sound pretty prejudice, but its true. if not for her background, financial state, and probably laziness too, she would get into college. i guess thats what differentiates people from one another. compared to my brother, i'm really lazy. come on, i even hated reading in one point of my life. well, he's pretty damn lazy too. he absolutely hates doing chores and therefore never did any in this house. but then again, who doesnt hate cleaning? right?
the other day as i was waiting for mrs sturm in guidance, i overheard one of my friend's talking to mr bradford. they were talking about how she didn't know where she could go to college.
man. i could just say, "at least i'm going to umo" but i want something more! much more! i dont know how to express it! i want to be in a place that can accomodate to my every need! - like uva!
they're libraries are open 24/7! if i need to find something urgently, i'll know where to go! ___________________
oh man. i just had a conversation with my brother about how depressed i feel about this world. its not so much like a suicidal/harm myself depression, but a man-i-wish-people-knew-their-worth kind. you know what i mean?
i dont think he even realized that i teared up as we were chatting. i hope he realizes how much i appreciate his opinions. merry christmas peeps!
cheerio!
/Hopped! 12:29 AM
>>>
the starry night / Tuesday, December 23, 2008
If I could only put all this into words. there's so many things going on in my head. Sometimes I feel like one of these lines, lost with a million others. the only way to be seen is by the chance that i catch someone's eye. oh how lucky i would be. oh how lucky would he be.
its times like this, like when i'm doing my college essay, that i wish someone could just read my mind. i give them my brain. one look and they'll understand. you know what i mean? probably not.
back to this picture. the story behind it:
one day in chem, last thursday to be exact, ms macvane was going over our chem homework from the textbook, about electron configurations. originally i had sketched an open book. and i drew lines in all directions to draw the pages, flipping throught the book. line after line, i drew, and soon i realized that the binding center of the book looked just like a sun, setting in the evening sky. at the same time, the painting of the starry night had been in my head all morning, so immediately i thought, man, i could really make something out of this. but it was orginally meant to look like a book. there were too many lines. i had to start all over.
and this is what came out of it!
i guess you could say its my impression of the post impression, the starry night, by van gogh.
i just watched the pianist and i'm very shakey right now. and my mom came home an hour ago and told me that she had a car accident, which unsettled me even more.
life is so sweet sometimes.
cheerio! i might have a fever too
/Hopped! 8:42 PM
>>>
chem shem hem em m.. &m / Thursday, December 18, 2008
life is..
alright i suppose. its copable. still stressed out. i really need to get deeper into my essay. you know what i mean? sigh
had my very pit band rehearsal yesterday. so confusing.. so many books to look at.
i'm sleeping when i get home. my belly feels like its burning. speaking of which, we burned stuff in chem today..
dood, i really like physics. its so cool. rocket science man. (:
so my college essay is about this moment i had with someone at shaw's and how i felt then, that i was naive to smile when actually i was being naive to think such an idea. i was so foolish. you know? i still am quite foolish now, i have to admit, but i'm thankful that i've grown. i feel so old. i really cant wait for florida to happen because by then i'll done with college application. the stress is just so.. its quite intolerable. i can tolerate it, but there are just some moments when i get stuck
this is when i am thankful that chem is so easy for me. i dont know why. i expected it to be so much harder. i really wonder if its because its just ms macvane (if having fink would be harder) or if its because honors chem is more junior year focused.
physics is much more stimulating.
do you ever wonder what your future is like? like how does it look like in your head? is it like a movie? is it made of snapshots and poloroids? mine's like a painting, especially that further i get.
oh yeah, i drew something in chem today. but i cant scan it on here. so i'll do it someother time.
i dont know where this is taking me. i want to start all over from scratch, but yet i dont want to throw that amazing introduction away. i dont know what else to say. there are many many things. but i just cant put into words. this is the time when i wish people could just read my mind and go "ah.. i see!"
if i could put my brain splat, right down on that paper. "there you go. you understand right?"
oh man.
/Hopped! 5:08 PM
>>>
relief? / Monday, December 15, 2008
i practically broke down last night... well, not practically. I really did. hard core tears and sniffing in my stuffed nose. it was more like at one in the morning though. same thing.
oh man. never will i ever break down like that ever again. college man. mr furbush gave the class this handout on suicide rates and i was like oh great. my face clearly looks like i had a teary night and now people might think i'm suicidal. not really. i just thought it to be a coincidence.
it's a pretty sad world. but i have to look on the brightside and be optimistic because i cannot be bothered to breakdown right now.
i really hope that i get that scholorship for northeastern. it would relieve such a burden. imagine, four years of free tuition. that's more than $100 000! if not, i really want to go to uchicago.
and then there's uva. its a beautiful school. the last of my top three choices, but still, in my top three.
i dont have much to say today. i am preoccupied with a lot of things, but i really want to submit this darn supplement to connecticut college before its too late, you know.
i had jazz band today!.. and i have concert band tomorrow! yeah. and i have pit rehearsal on wed! and i have my french final tomorrow! whoo! i need to call hannah tonight or something.
cheerio!
/Hopped! 4:03 PM
>>>
hey there! / Sunday, December 14, 2008
i am a big friggin mess.
but i'm cleaning myself up. slowly
good bye gunk.
cheerio!
/Hopped! 8:35 PM
>>>
sleep deprived / Tuesday, December 09, 2008
i feel like there's only so much that i can do right now and i hate it i wish i could do everything i wish to be a super girl i wish things would right into place the way i like it i wish for this agony to go away i wish i wasnt living in desperation i hate this feeling this struggle for life i hate feeling like i cannot do anymore time and time again i'm bounded by time i hate this depression i just want to get out of this hole it's a far worse hole than those silly previous relations its a deep valley all i have is you God.
/Hopped! 7:42 PM
>>>
SNOW!! / Sunday, December 07, 2008
yesterday i volunteered at south portland bingo!.. well technically its not volunteer work since i'm going to receive money in some sort of manner.. a hundred dollars to be exact. isnt that amazing? its more than minimum wage. if i worked that job everyday, i'd have a monthly income of $3000.. dood, i'd be fricken happy.. annual salary would be $36 000. and i must say, that isnt too bad right? unfortunately it was only one day.
another unfortunate thing, my florida trip money basically came from feeding off of poor people. watching those people spend an average of more than $20 per person was real sad. its like these people are trapped and consumed by gambling. it was like watching zombies. these people had no control of themselves. well they did stand for awhile contemplating the right decision, but in the end chose the wrong one: TAKING THE GAMBLE.
it was pretty depressing. i know that the music boosters get a lot, and probably most of the funds from bingo nights, but i secretly wished people wouldnt buy anything from me last night. i know its might used to buy instruments and pay for florida and other cool stuff for band, but it just feels wrong that to feed the poor, we feed off the poor.. well their foolishness. its like social darwinism. survival of the fittest. the foolish die.. like dodo birds. its sad, terribly sad.
if only there were better ways of raising funds.
seriously, i wish those people i saw last night who are need of cash and are just throwing it all away, will see the light and stop. because they just sit there unhappy.. moaning. why dont they just stop?? whats wrong with them?? why cant they find better things to do? or go and actually live life doing things they love not moan!?
more than 50% of those people playing bingo looked exhausted.. WHY NOT SLEEP?!!
i'd rather sleep than gamble.. and there's nothing exhilarating about bingo gambling anyways. you wanna know whats exhilarating? gambling your life by sky diving. there you go. theres a gamble.
of course i couldnt say any of this while i worked last night or i'd probably get pummeled.
so i had a band concert on thursday.. right after french class! and i was extremely nervous because of my solo in cold duck time. i has always rushed during rehearsal. i wrote all over my paper "GO SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW... ER." and "relax" and "BE COOL" yeah.. hah.
i think it was probably the worst performance i'd ever seen from the concert band in my four years of high school. someone on the end playing tenor, was playing that slow quarter notes in the middle of prairie dances so wrong. he'd tongue the first note of a sequence of eight slurred notes so hard that it just sounded wrong and gave easy access for rushing, you know what i mean? like dood... CALM DOWN.
it was the messiest band concert i've ever played.
oh and i have more exciting news! so yesterday i earned a hundred bucks toward my florida trip right? and my mom sold my raffle tickets for me, which is another hundred, and now i only need to $90!.. unless i'm able to sell more raffle tickets, then less than 90!! whoo! so guilty. so guilty... at least raffles arent as bad as bingo.
it also makes me wonder, how many people in this world are actually do things they absolutely love for a living? you know?
how many people in this world dont have huge complaints for their job?
or how many people are out there embracing life?.. like, feeling the majesty of the mountains or the beat of the music, or the textures of the world around!
i swear, i have to be living life, even now as a student. so many people in this world are wasting the opportunity given to them to live. its terrible.
so many people are wasting their lives doing pointless things to give other people an opportunity to live.. like gambling.. when your family at home could be starving, or when there are people in guatamala and haiti who are illiterate.
on other news, french v is having a reunion!.. on the 22nd.. the same day there's jazz band rehearsal and i might not be able to go. ): someones getting their wisdom teeth out and he'd probably rather rest than go to the reunion and i'd probably end up not seeing him at all. so.. i might go still. and then at 2.11 i'd rush down to the band room.. thats what i'm playing. i hope jazz band starts late that day.. or better yet, no rehearsal because skeff will go off to do something.. like a doctor's appointment or something!
oh man. thats probably the teeniest problem in my life right now.
If I could only put all this into words. there's so many things going on in my head. Sometimes I feel like one of these lines, lost with a million others. the only way to be seen is by the chance that i catch someone's eye. oh how lucky i would be. oh how lucky would he be.