the imaginary monologue that i'll probably never have with... / Thursday, September 22, 2011
to whom this concerns,
i understand your actions. but no matter what it still hurts. so much that i want to forget you. especially because you don't talk anymore. what's the point in keeping you in my heart, in anyway, even as a brother in christ? no. it hurts too much. but i don't know how to forget you. i can't just forget things. i can only keep trying. because i understand your reasons for why all this has happened, if you were to be interested in someone else in the near future (like within 2 years), i would feel very betrayed. but i don't know if you're aware of that, because we no longer speak to each other.
/Hopped! 3:49 AM
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what makes a good leader? /
i always hate being ask this question during "training" events, like for the RA training and the alana orgs training. cuz it's such a repeated qns and there are so many things that make up a good leader. from balancing time, planning well to building relations. the thing that i'm struggling with wanting to be that good leader is on the relations aspect. because i realize that i can be picky with what kinds are personalities i enjoy spending time with, but as a leader, as an RA, as a member of AASU's eboard, i want to sincerely welcome the people i network with.
i finally realize what it means when people express themselves differently around different groups of friends, like you have your close friends, school friends, colleagues and so on. because the earliest reflection that i have on this thought was from youth group, my junior/senior year of high school. we talked about how we treat different groups of friends differently, cuz we relate to them in different manners and have different levels of bonding. but i didn't really get it because i treated my church friends in the same way i treated my school friends and i didnt have a job to think about how i related to colleagues.
even after getting my first job in the lab, i didn't think about my relations with people in terms of bonding levels. but now as an RA i do. because now i'm surrounded by all sorts of people and i have a duty to build a community where ever i am. and at aasu, i have the responsibility too. i've met all sorts of personalities and at times i've felt like, "if it weren't for being an RA, i don't think that i would ever spend time with this person." i know that it's a very closed mindset, but at the same time some personalities just brush you the wrong way. it's like a tug of war between my ethics and desires. perhaps i'm just being lazy in putting effort to make a friendships with the personalities i'm not used to. but it feels so hard. like writing a paper.
which reminds me. i need to write to my little cousins!
but the thing that i find unethical about my thoughts is that i sometimes feel obliged to be friends with people i would only keep as maybe aquaintances, and when i make friends, i want to be sincere about it. and obligations aren't always sincere. it also seems wrong to not give someone the chance to be friends, but what if you just can't talk to that person at all? well i haven't felt this way, but i'm just imagining myself being put in this situation.
like how do you make someone feel welcome at an event when you don't welcome them in your hearts. oh well, maybe i have been put in this situation. cuz right after bad break ups with someone, you don't want to see them, but you see them around anyway. you don't want to be rude and act cordial when you really don't want to. (yeah, i am talking about myself)
anyway, i have to study for my exam in 11 hours! >.<
aja aja fighting!
/Hopped! 3:00 AM
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Thirsty - Day 1 / Tuesday, September 06, 2011
"O Lord Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O Lord, and your faithfulness surrounds you."
Pslam89:8
"If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself."
Timothy 2:13
I really like the second verse. It reminds me how we are God's people, his children and how great his love for us is. We are made in his image. What would it be like for God to stop loving us? I can't imagine. I don't even believe that it's possible! but at the same time, I can see why some believe that it can be. it all boils down to faith. once you have it, even as tiny as a mustard seed, it can grow very fast, faster than the spreading of gossip! with faith you receive confidence. when I have faith in myself, i become confident in my goals and acheivements. i can do all that i believe in. When I put faith in God, I receive more confidence and believe that all my dreams and aspirations will come true!
What's even more amazing than my own faith is God's faith. it's very assuring and powerful to know that no matter what, even when i unconsciously put things before him, he still has faith. and he puts himself infront of me to remind me why he's number one in life.
In the last few weeks God has blessed me with a very good and loving staff of MAT. i'm very thankful for the support of my RD Jess and ARD Mathew. We're like a little family! well not little, but it's so great to see everyone bonding. (: and i love our staff meetings. always end up with laughter.
God also reminds me of his love when i reflect about a lost friendship, which i was greatly saddened again yesterday, just cuz it came into my mind and stayed. according to my lost friend it is not a lost friendship, but i'm losing faith that we will be friends again. can i ever see him as just a friend and instead of having the desire to be more than that? i don't exactly want to, but i have to, because it's what he wants. or he believes that it is what God wants and so I believe it too, despite my desire. the part that upsets me is how he can choose to change his love for me, because it doesn't feel like it will be for a stronger love, but a weaker love. i am assured knowing that God's love is never changing, which is why i cannot imagine living without God and i can't stop believing.
aja aja fighting!
/Hopped! 12:32 AM
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the love of my life / Monday, September 05, 2011
it seems like one of the most successful formulas of eternal love is when a guy meets a girl and knows, like love at first sight, i'm going to marry this girl. Example, patrick dempsey, as he answered a question about the love his life in an interview. i met a boy. my first impression of him was that he was pretty cute. but i guess it wasn't like at the very first sight i thought he is the one, but after comparing him to other guys i've gotten to know, he's become the best guy. So is this formula true for a girl's instincts about a guy? but then every now and then i doubt my instincts.
also, i'm going to start my Thirst devotionals soon. tomorrow! i shall work hard and play hard, meet hard with my staff and devote hard! :D
