bring it all back / Thursday, December 25, 2008
i wonder if i'm just thinking about this too much, in the wrong way. i'm sitting here, worrying that i'm going to type something that will sound just like every other applicant who would end up being rejected. maybe, i need a new outlook. i really must believe in myself more. i would really like to go to uchicago. more than anywhere else. but you see, i'm worried. i'm worried about my writing voice. its lost you see. i dont know where it is. basically what you are hearing right now is your own voice.. and imagining mine, which is actually an insecure, unassured voice.
where am i? well.. "live the question." - what question? the question of the meaning life? well, that's one question i'm living. if you write an essay where the college is able to identify your insecurities with others, is that a bad thing? i mean, everyone can't be absolutely comfortable with the world can they?
what do the colleges want to hear? they want to know who i am. what do i want to tell these colleges?.. that i am an extraordinary person, just like everyone else. i don't have to be particularly special do i? afterall, everyone is special in their own way.
here i am, sitting, depressed that i might not get into the college, like a fear that i won't get to experience the great collegiate life. but then i think of the other wonderful people i know, who truly do not have a chance to experience college at all.. i find greater sadness.
though she's rather obnoxious sometimes, i cant blame her. it's her poor background. i realize tht may sound pretty prejudice, but its true. if not for her background, financial state, and probably laziness too, she would get into college. i guess thats what differentiates people from one another. compared to my brother, i'm really lazy. come on, i even hated reading in one point of my life. well, he's pretty damn lazy too. he absolutely hates doing chores and therefore never did any in this house. but then again, who doesnt hate cleaning? right?
the other day as i was waiting for mrs sturm in guidance, i overheard one of my friend's talking to mr bradford. they were talking about how she didn't know where she could go to college.
man. i could just say, "at least i'm going to umo" but i want something more! much more! i dont know how to express it! i want to be in a place that can accomodate to my every need! - like uva!
they're libraries are open 24/7! if i need to find something urgently, i'll know where to go!
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oh man. i just had a conversation with my brother about how depressed i feel about this world. its not so much like a suicidal/harm myself depression, but a man-i-wish-people-knew-their-worth kind. you know what i mean?
i dont think he even realized that i teared up as we were chatting. i hope he realizes how much i appreciate his opinions.
merry christmas peeps!cheerio!
/Hopped!
12:29 AM
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